Inspired by a some bar talk amongst some buddies, I have compiled a list of things women need to work on in bed. You won’t find these tips in Cosmo ladies, so read carefully and be thankful the specific stories that inspired each item were not shared. They would haunt your dreams.
10 Things I Wish Women Would Work On In Bed
Pulling On A Guys Johnson - Every experience I have ever had with this has been a bad one. Most guys know what I’m talking about: When a girl grabs a hold of your junk and starts yanking like it’s a goddamn game of tug of war. I know that I might be a little *too* accustomed to old righty, but when most females go at it, it’s downright painful. Do us a favor and go with fellatio.
Oral Without Being Asked - This is a big one (that’s what she said) - All guys like oral. If they say that they don’t, then you probably aren’t doing it right. It’s a pain in the ass when the fem doesn’t take the reigns and go down.
It leaves the guy wondering how to approach the situation. Do we ask for it? Do we nudge her head down? These are the make or break questions that can kill the mood. Females need to make it easier for us and just go for it.
Take Pornstars for example. There job is to have sex. In my 24 years of existence, I have never seen a Pornstar not go down on her own accord. Ladies, follow by example from the professionals. They know what they are doing.
Being On Top Without Being Asked - Ok. We all know that sex is work. It isn’t fair to the men when the women just want to lay there and let us put in all of the effort. It’s nice to have a break and let the woman do some work. Now there are some women out there who think its enough to just lay there and that’s it. Well F that I say. Ladies, please take your turn on top, without being asked.
Saying The Right Thing - This is another one that is often overlooked. Ladies listen up. It is crucial you tell the guy how amazing he is at sex (or something along those lines), even if he sucks. The reason being he will work that much harder to please you. I don’t care how good I am, but if a girl tells me that I’m king of the jungle, you can bet your ass I’m going to try that much harder. Write it down ladies.
Put Effort Into It - This one is similar to “Being On Top Without Being Asked”. Nothing is worse than when a girl just lays there like a dead fish. I have never experienced this personally, but I have heard a few horror stories. Ladies, you need to be vocal, change up the positions and tell the guy what you like. Think of sex as a savings account; The more you put into it, the more you’ll get out of it? Yea, I know it’s a stretch, but it’s late and I can’t think of a better analogy.
Vaginal Cleanliness - Do I even have to explain this one? I’ve ran into a few poorly kept vajayjay’s in my lifetime and there is no way to recover from it. IT KILLS THE MOOD so please work with us ladies. Keep it clean, keep it trimmed.
Direct The Guy - Let’s be honest. When most guys have sex, they only want to get themselves off. If along the way, the girl happens to orgasm, well that is a bonus. Well this isn’t always the situation but if you want to avoid it altogether, tell the guy what to do, where to put it, how fast to go, etc. This will let the guy think he is the man and you get your rocks off at the same time. Win-Win.
Make The Move - This one is a bit more personal. It’s a nice change of pace every once in a while when the girl “makes the move”. By “make the move”, I mean initiate the foreplay or moving from position to position. This is kind of the same thing as “Put Effort Into It” except is requires the woman to take initial action. I’m not saying ALL the time, but sometimes.
Take Off The Bra Yourself - I swear that bras were invented to make my life a living hell. I can never get it off on the first try (although I am getting better). Whenever I come across that rare moment when the bra is already off, or it is somehow built into the shirt, I am overwhelmed with joy. I’m talking Christmas morning overwhelmed.
Not Kissing After Oral - I absolutely hate it when a girl refuses to kiss a guy after he has gone down. Give me a break. If you think it’s that disgusting, we shouldn’t have to go south to begin with. I think most guys would still kiss the woman after they go down as long as no ejaculation occurs. Get over yourselves.
Ok so those are some of the things that a lot of men (myself included) have encountered throughout our sexcapades. I am sure women can come up with their own list of things that men need to work on, so if you are a female and you feel inspired (or pissed off), feel free to write a response and email it to us.
You can also check out a more extensive list that Clare did over on her site called “The Politics Of Fucking”.
Check Out:
• All Women Are Beautiful On The Inside…• The…Something…Speaks
• 10 Great Places To Find Attractive Women
damn diddy, you are so lazy. Can’t even take the girl’s bra off? When you get good, you can go around setting the ladies free with little more than a snap of your fingers. Practice it, it pays off.
I second your sentiments Sly. And apparently Diddy is a pimp now? I’m out of the loop.
Well how will these tips work since no girls read this site?
I think I can stear my wife this way to read this, but that’s not gonna help you guys.
At least it better not.
- The J
I know a girl who wrote a list like this one but a lot longer and it was real famous…what was her name again…
Oh yea. THAT WAS ME.
You toolbag.
Think up your own ideas or I will cry!
And throw a rock at you on the playground!
Clare Clare Clare…I used my own noodle to come up with this list, BUT I did forget to give you some props for your stuff. For that, I apologize. Can we still have sex when I am in Chicago?
Just don’t do any of the aforementioned things
I am shocked, SHOCKED, that Diddy did not give someone their propers. Tsk Tsk Daniel, that’s no way to run a website.
Its more about getting Clare to send me her naked pictures. I am working on it, but I have zero chance if I don’t give her props…na mean?
Clare, PRETTY PLEASE send me those pics???
Way to go Clare this guy’s a total douche, maybe if he got laid more he’d have less time bashing women and appreciate the fact that some one would actually want to lay a guy who’s so damn picky….ugh
Hi,
Clare wrote a similar piece with the same idea: Women need to work on some things in bed. So she isn’t retaliating against me, just asking for credit…so there is no need for a “way to go”.
I am not a douche. I call it like i’ve experienced it. Maybe I’m choosing the wrong women.
Sorry if you were offended
Dude.
I was going to let you TAKE the pics while you were in Chicago…
But if you insist…
Dan just got eviscerated by the pwnasaurus rex that is Clare. After all the plugging and accolades he bestowed upon her, only to reinvent them months later. Tsk Tsk indeed.
Whenever any of my friends write about stuff like that, I fuck with them by throwing a primadonna hissy fit and claiming they stole it from me.
Apparently Dan is just afraid of me.
If he was smart he’d do what the rest of my friends do and tell me to fuck off.
Or show me something shiny and distract me.
Or show me something shiny and distract me.
Like a cat?
jesus christ you two, go get a chatroom or something and stop this garbage
No.
Dude, what happened to my astounding comment count? This better not be some attempt to usurp my greatness.
Dan - I completely agree with you on these. I consider myself to be a very fair (and damn good) sex partner (I know because I’ve checked myself against Clare’s list before). The only bone I have to pick with you is:
You say: “I think most guys would still kiss the woman after they go down as long as no ejaculation occurs.”
Okay, fair enough. But think about it this way: If a girl gives a guy head and no ejaculation occurs, there was (pretty much) no transfer of his bodily fluids to her…BUT if a guy goes down on a girl, he’s covered. It’s like comparing eating a popsicle to sticking your face in a vat of pudding…okay that analogy was worse than your “savings account” one, so you can feel better about yourself
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any problem kissing a guy after he’s gone downtown…I think it’s a turn on. But I just wanted to clarify the difference between the two. If a guy expects his girl to kiss him, than he should be willing to kiss her after a post-ejaculatory job.
I have no real issue with the post-ejaculatory kiss.
Hell, I’d eat my cum by the spoonful if it meant I’d get more head.
- The J
Now that’s commitment!