“Brooke Burke Does Things”

Alright, I don’t know how to start this off, so I’ll just jump right to it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Brooke Burke would do absolutely anything to stay in the Hollywood limelight. She undoubtedly peaked with E!’s Wild On – and then her career plummeted at a rate that would make Tara Reid jealous. Right now she’s hosting that American Idol rip-off show that revolves around a band past its prime searching for a new lead singer. Some truly refined American television.

And you just know the producers of this show didn’t come to Brooke Burke and offer her the position. Not a chance at all. No music-related show goes out there and searches for Brooke Burke, it just doesn’t happen. I mean, it’s not even 100% proven that Brooke Burke has functioning ears at all. But when Brooke Burke saw the classified ad in the Hollywood Times you just KNOW she jumped out of her chair and immediately re-hired her agent. Oh my god, this is the perfect job for me! The scant remaining members of Inks and me, Brooke Burke!

So there she was on my television.

(And I don’t know if anybody else noticed this, but Brooke Burke is 80% breasts. How is that even humanly possible? Do you think Jessica Simpson feels threatened?)

Then it hit me – Brooke Burke desperately needs her own reality show, and I’ve got the perfect pitch right here.

<>

America, say hello to Brooke Burke Does Things. The format of the show is simple: every episode would be themed, and Brooke Burke would – for the entire 30-minute show – do one and only one activity. Here are just a few examples off the top of my head:

- Brooke Burke shingles a roof

- Brooke Burke is a substitute high school teacher

- Brooke Burke delivers newspapers

- Brooke Burke moves a couch down a flight of stairs by herself

- Brooke Burke cuts down a tree

- Brooke Burke sees her reflection in a mirror

- Brooke Burke teaches herself to ride a unicycle

- Brooke Burke attempts to drink a gallon of milk in an hour (obviously this would be an hour-long special, preferably airing during sweeps and going up against Survivor)

The beauty of the show is that each episode really would just write itself. Brooke Burke trying to move a couch down a flight of stairs? Come on, every single household in America would tune in. I mean, what’s more enticing – a new episode of Will and Grace or the slight chance that Brooke Burke breaks both her legs in one of the most gruesome falls in television history?

And let’s just say that Brooke Burke has an innate ability to shingle roofs. So what? IT’S BROOKE BURKE SHINGLING A ROOF. Do you know how insanely hot that is? The 18-35 year old demographic would come out in droves to witness it – it’s a win/win situation for everybody involved in the show. See, it’s either Brooke Burke fails miserably at a certain task (chased by a dog while delivering the morning paper, chainsaw goes berserk and she saws her fingers off, etc.) and hilarity ensues, or Brooke Burke sexily completes the task at hand.

I can picture this exchange between two guys watching the show:

“You know, she’s really doing a piss poor job teaching history to those kids.�
“But dude, look at that rack. Jesus Christ!�
“Oh my god, she does not know where Texas is on a map.�
“We need TiVo.�

///

Deep down inside, I wish Brooke Burke herself would stumble upon this article, read it, and realize what she needs to do. But in all likelihood, let’s be honest here, that’s probably not possible.

So there you have it. Television networks, feel free to steal my ingenious idea.

Check Out:

Default Away Message (The 10 Commandments of IMing)

Everybody remembers the first moment they got addicted to instant messaging. This most likely happened during the America Online craze, which was heaven for us teenagers but hell for our parents, paying approximately $700 an hour for our internet usage. “Why can’t you just talk to your friends on the phone?� they would gripe. But to no avail. If it came down to our parents paying the heating bill or the America Online fees, we’d gladly doublebag a couple sweaters while we type away in our 28.8kbps wonderland.

We endured modem sounds, busy signals, and incredibly slow-loading AOL graphics, but we were hooked. Once we added a few friends to our buddy lists, we couldn’t stop. It was our drug. Twenty friends wasn’t enough. We needed more. Better sign up our little brothers and sisters and quickly enter them into our buddy lists. We secretly wondered how it would feel to have a hundred buddies. We secretly envied the people who did.

We did not, however, envy those kids who had CompuServe. If you knew somebody who used CompuServe, “Fuck them� is the phrase that would come to mind. They didn’t have Gay/Lesbian Chat Rooms to abuse like us AOL kids did. Nothing seemed more earth-shattering to us than entering one of those rooms and typing “25/m/ny…..I WANT A PENIS NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW�, then hurriedly exiting the chat room, terrified that an actual homosexual would talk to us.

But back to the point: fuck those CompuServe kids. AOL was where it was at and everybody knew it.

And you can admit it: the day that AOL increased the maximum amount of characters you could have in your screenname (from 8 to 12) was the greatest day you’ve ever known. You always knew that the measly eight letters or numbers prevented maximum screenname creativity. With the twelve, the sky was the limit. The limit being twelve characters. But that’s all the sky had to be back in those days. Simpler times.

And over the years, I’ve noticed some particular things that have been constant throughout the history of AIM. And based on those constants, I have compiled the following:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF INSTANT MESSAGING

Read The Rest >>

Check Out:

Emily Rose, not a soristitute.

So I get back from PSU-scapade on Monday afternoon. I was all about doing something Halloween night but nothing seemed to be materializing. Then Melissa Badding mentions that her and some cohorts are going to see “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” at 10 o’clock. I wanted to say screw it and go to bed early (I was functioning on 3 hours of drunk sleep), but I decided I’d be game. I really didn’t have high expectations. I mean let’s face it, most horror movies suck mad ass.

Anyway this movie completely blew me away. I was freaked the fuck out for a decent amount of time after the movie ended. The thing is those run of the mill slasher bad guy kills everybody kinda movies don’t do much for me. I’ll get startled and I’ll probably be entertained throughout but those movies just can’t really affect you in the ways movies like “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” can. I hesitate to compare it to this movie but in ways it was like The Blair Witch Project. It was more about what you didn’t see than what you did see. The fact that it was based on a true story certainly adds to the freakiness. I went with a group of 6 and we were pretty much evenly split. Melissa and Karrie were as freaked out as I was while the others actually were disappointed. Guess they were expecting some garbage like Scream? So anyway, if you wanna be freaked out and lay in your bed unable to sleep looking warily around your room for 3 hours I highly recommend this flick.

In other news, I discovered this girl I know has the same exact birthday as me. I will be pushing for a joint b-day party. In which case, everyone better have their shit together by mid-December. Oh, and happy birthday to Jared Brown. He will officially be allowed to scam on hoochies at dive bars on Monday. Too bad he looks absolutely nothing like me. Fuckin Lebanon…

Check Out: