Dear Jenna Fischer, Please Have My Babies

I was reading some new (to me) sites last night and I stumbled onto Fatbackandcollards. They had this incredible sexy picture of my girl Jenna Fischer on there and they immediately won over a new reader. How hot does she look there?

One of BpBc’s loyal female readers recently yelled at me for writing too much about sexy women and blah blah blah. I tried to tone it down a bit, but I can’t resist a little Pam Beesley on the site. I hope she searches google for her name (cuz we all do that, right?) and this page comes up. Maybe then she will understand my love for her and will return my drunken calls, emails, and texts..

Pam Beesley > Karen Filapelli

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What Kind Of Digital Drunk Are You???

So there are all kinds of drunks in the world, that’s a given. Some people like to fight, others don’t stop talking and some puke all over the place (read Toogar). I would like to take a moment to poll BpBc readers and see what kind of drunk you are, but with a catch. I don’t want to know what kind of “real world” drunk you are in the, but rather what kind of “digital drunk”.

A quick list of choices:

The Instant Messenger - This person gets back from boozing, hits the fridge for leftover dinner and starts checking their buddy list for non idling friends. They will often be too drunk to read people’s screen names, so they will randomly click and check away messages. The IMs they send out look like a wild combination of drunken thoughts and mashed up keyboard keys:

“Heyyy. Du2de Im’ sodrunk jl2; haha no s2eriouslly fiuck you. U Lokve Yoiu”.

The Facebook Friender / Poker / Messenger - This is one of my favorites, but rare to witness. This person stumbles home, pulls up facebook.com and starts incessantly poking any and all attractive girls that they randomly come across while clicking through random pictures. Because, let’s be honest - if they poke back, you can probably get laid, right?

Or these people start browsing profiles from high school classmates. They will decide it’s a good idea to post on someone’s wall who they haven’t talked to since high school (and it wasn’t much talk then).

It’s hard to witness this phenomenon because these people usually delete their messages the morning after leaving no trace of their drunken wreckage.

The Drunk Dialer - The classic. This one has a few drinks in them and they are feeling good. So good that they decide to call you know who for some you know what. They only problem is that they can’t form coherent sentences. Slurs and grunts can only get you so far. Even if they COULD secure a booty call, there’s no way for them to get there. A lost cause they regret in the morning.

The Drunk Texter - This one is my biggest downfalls lately. This person is at the bar, 6 beers deep, and decides to pull out the ole’ motorola razr. It takes 10 minutes to type a 2 sentence message with the mini keypad / keyboard hybrid. Then there are the bars with no service (at least those I go to), so when they leave…20 messages are all sent at once making the person look mad creepy. It’s always fun piecing together the previous night when there is a trail of text messages to follow.

I am sure there are bunch more I am missing. Sadly, I fall into all of these categories and I am sure some BpBc readers have fallen victim to my drunken rage. Eh? Eh?

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Would You Rather - Nickelback vs Creed

I’m gonna change it up this week as my schedule is a bit different. Here is a solid Would You Rather. Last weeks can be found aqui: Bad Breath Vs Permanent Unibrow.

If you had a cd forever stuck in your car player, Would You Rather it be a Nickelback CD or a Creed CD?

Personally, I’d take Creed. I hear Nickelback on the radio 12934023 times a day at work and every time I contemplete suicide by eating pounds of yeast until my stomach explodes. Like Douglas, they bring nothing to the table.

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Would You Rather - Bad Breath Vs Permanent Unibrow

vs.

Today’s Would You Rather comes from the almighty BRG (Graber).

Would you rather have Chronic Bad Breath or a Permanent Unibrow that you cannot remove. I’m talking a unibrow like Bert’s from Sesame Street.

Personally, I would take the bad breath. I can still pick up girls with bad breath, i’ll just have to be careful about keeping my distance. With a unibrow like that, there is zero chance of success. My rapist wit and stunning personality can only take me so far - the unibrow would kill me.

If you missed the last Would You Rather, you can check it here: Respect vs Popularity

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The Ultimate Male Mating Call

So I am constantly asked by my guy friends (aka Mike Malen) how I am so successful at picking up women who are clearly out of my league. While I don’t like to reveal my inner most secrets and techniques, I am afraid that I cannot hide my biggest weapon and longer.

You see, Tracy Morgan did an interview the other day and he was completely wasted. He decided it was a perfect time to give away my #1 move I use to pick up hot chicks at the bar- The Ultimate Mating Call…Watch the video around the 1:00 mark.

‘

If any female readers would like to see me slapping my belly, leave ‘em in the comments

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Rosie O’Donnell Hangs Upside Down and Haunts My Dreams

So I stumbled onto this video via The Superficial and it kept me up all night. Not because I think Rosie in that position is dead sexy, but because it gave me chilling nightmares. The last time that happened was after I saw “Chucky” the doll cut off some guy’s balls. Yea, it’s that scary.

Some of you probably think this video is sexy. All I can say is that you disgust me, Donny.

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10 of the LAMEST Superpowers Ever

So I was reading a blurb on DoubleViking about a Top Ten Practical Superpowers and I felt inspired to do a “10 of the lamest superpowers ever” list.

10 of the Lamest Superpowers Ever

• Quill (porcupine guy from X-Men)
  So this guy has quills come out of his skin?! Talk about a killer power. In the X-Men 3 movie, the only way he can hurt someone is if he hugs them, then sticks sticks them with his “3 inch quills of death”. LAME.
• Angel (From X-Men, before he became Archangel)
  His power is the ability use his 8 foot wings and fly. I guarantee that any other person with superpowers (that isn’t on this list) could take this guy.
• Jubliee
  Jubilee can create explosive flashes of light and kinetic energy. In layman’s terms, she shoots firecrackers from her hands. It’s the equivalent of me walking around with roman candles, pointing them at people.
• Mati (Heart Kid from Captain Planet)
  Where to start with this kid…I guess we’ll go with the fact that his ring makes an awful farting noise. Sure it’d be cool to control animals, but any other power could pretty much take an animal. Plus I’m 84% sure he was gay. Somehow that affects his power in my mind…
• Aquaman
  While I am not totally familiar with Aquaman, my understanding is that he reigns supreme in the ocean. He can communicate and control underwater animals. I guess that is cool if you are ever in any underwater battles. Unfortunately, I have never seen a fight take place under water. Verdict: LAME.
• Robin - Boy Wonder
  I was hesitant to include him in a “superpower” list. I discussed it with a colleague who told me that his powers consists of killer acrobatics and witty one-liners. It would be a killer match up to see Robin Boy Wonder face off against Quill.
• Wonder Woman
  Another character that I vaguely understand. She flies an invisible plane and has a lasso of truth. I’m sure there is more to her, but a lasso of truth? I’m sold. Greatest superpower (or weapon I guess) ever.
• Marrow (X-Men)
  So this girl grows extra bones which break through her skin so she can break them off and use as weapons. Hell, I can snap my arm off and club someone over the head with it, but I wouldn’t consider that a superpower.
• Dazzler
  Dazzler has the ability to convert sound energy into light energy. Wow, sound energy into light energy?! Noooo way! Take that new Fallout Boy album use it to power a light bulb because let’s be honest…that’s all their music is worth anymore.
• Captain Planet
  This was a tough one mainly because Cap’t. Planet has some OK superpowers. I put him on the list mainly because of his weaknesses. If Captain Planet is exposed to toxic wastes, smog, acid rain and other pollutants, his powers are temporarily weakened, and he must return to the Earth to “recharge.” Cap’t. Planets mortal enemy SMOG. NOOOOOO!!!!! Not to mention the fact that it takes 5 kids to summon him.

So there you have it. Some of the lamest superpowers known to man. Who’d I miss?

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