This letter found it’s way across my inbox so I figured that I would share it with you all. It defines some of my friends and myself to perfection.
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale BBQ chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday, 3pm (pre-happy hour), on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Source: Anonymous
Check Out:
• Ethan Albright’s Letter to John Madden• The Ultimate Rejection Letter - Smart Humor
• Sad Kermit Video - He’s So Emo
Nice post for a Friday.
To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to all of life’s problems!
How do you get an anonymous email? Is it from someone you don’t know? Even then you could put the email address there. I’ve heard of anonymous comments, but not emails. Leave it to diddy to shaft someone else on credit.
i received that same email. but you won’t find it on my site, though i did think about it. and if the person who sent it wants credit, they should come out of hiding and claim ownership.
It is soooo stupid to write a letter to alcohol ….. you know it’s a woman … and arrogant . So why should she deign to answer letters from puny, pitiful men …
hahaha tacos with fire sauce…been there man…too many times, turtle. tooo many times…
don’t you DARE say it’s stupid to write a letter to alcohol. i shun you. and sly, yeah, it’s a great letter for diddy to write on a friday, considering he was asleep by 830. it’s okay, we’ll force him to make up for it at the boozefest thingy
She’s got a point though, Alcohol is definitely a woman. Its easy to come by, but hard to handle. It’s unpredictable. There is a very fine line between enjoying it and going too far. It can be expensive, especially if you looking for something good. Sometimes it’s very bitter for no apparent reason. It makes you do stupid things you would never consider. It can leave you naked on a street corner. Yep. sounds like a woman to me.
“oh now he’s a philosophizer’