Around the Web - January 19, 2008

I’m just sitting around drinking some vodka so I can get to bed for pretzels at 6 a.m. in the morning so here’s some items from cyberworld (kinda glad no one says that anymore). While I don’t have any videos featuring coked out surfers or Amanda Bynes, I do have vibrators, cleveland steamers, and Tom Cruise, if you’re into that kind of stuff.

Tom Cruise’s Scientology Recruitment Video (Article and Video)

John Kruk to appear on Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Article about TV Show)

Osi Umenyiora Wants to Poop on You (Article with quotes)

My New Desktop (lolcat picture)

Al Qaeda may start planting bombs in vibrators (Article from Sweden)

Never wanna play this song on guitar hero again, ever. (GH3 Video)

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Would You Rather - Dirt Bike or Trailer

Many of my friends have recently entered the work force. They’ve had to sacrifice a lot to appear to be responsible, hard-working individuals (no gin on Tuesday nights, less than two long islands with lunch, etc.). But how far would you go to keep your appearance of prosperity?

Here’s the situation. You just scored a decent job with a prominent company and are trying hard to make a good impression. Only problem is you destroyed the last home you lived in and all the middle income housing in the area is owned by the same realtor. e.g. You cannot secure middle income housing. You’re faced with the following decision:

Would You Rather ride a dirt bike to work every day and live in a nice house in a well-to-do neighborhood OR drive a new luxury automobile of your choice (BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, etc.) and live in a trailer near a landfill.

There is a security booth when you arrive at your company parking lot and the lot itself is fairly small, so word will get around and your boss and coworkers will be well aware of your mode of transportation. Remember that you will have to engage in “water-cooler” conversation at work all the time. If you choose the BMW/Trailer you will have to lie about where you live and won’t be able to explain your situation. On the other hand your only available explanation for the dirt bike is that you “love to feel the wind in your hair.” There is running water and a sewer system in your trailer.

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PRETTY CAMEL!

Oh what the fuck is up?? It’s just Doug here checkin in, letting ya guys know I made it to Jordan alright and I have yet to get blown up. London shits with Ed got messed up because the “queue” was too long for a “tube” ticket and we got a little nervous. So instead I sat in that huge ass airport with a bunch of wankers for 6 hours. Got a pint of Hoegaarden for 3.80 (pounds) at 9 am though. Bartender thought it was necessary to give me shit for my choice too. Anyway I hopped on the plane full of Arab businessmen and US security contractors and arrived in Amman.

There’s about 35 kids in the group and there seems to be a decent enough mix although I forsee some of them having a real rough time here since they know almost no Arabic. A few cuties in the group too though no real knockouts. My hotel roomie is pretty cool, he’s from San Fran! Went out to some little snack shack and got a shitload of food, including a “bebsi”, for 1.50JD (about 2 dollars). Walking around was an experience in itself though. You definitely feel like a negro in Alabama (pre-civil rights movement). Glad I’m not a girl though, it’s like walking past a perpetual line of Mexican landscapers…

Had about 9 hours of bullshit lecture on how we should try to “blend in” and “not draw attention to ourselves”. AKA be a bunch of panzy ass wallflower castrated Americans. I mean seriously how am I going to learn anything about a nation (or a national’s) identity when I’m hiding my own? Deference for foreign culture is one thing, but denial of your own is quite another. Yea so I’ll update you on more exciting shit when they let me do it…

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BigPlansBigSpill

Yeah couldn’t think of a better title. Sorry!!!! xoxo. Anyway I finished up fall quarter (yeah my school’s messed up) and decided I would use this past weekend to visit Gregory Fry at Bucknell and the rest of the herms at PSU. Yeah I know, I was just at PSU a few weeks ago but I had a good reason for going this time…

Preamble: Ok so when I posted a couple weeks ago after the PSU visit around Halloween I mentioned a certain girl. So it turns out this girl was in fact checking me out according to a convo Shug had with her around a week ago. Ok, oh well. It also turns out she doesn’t have a bf like Shug said. Ahh that kinda sucks but I can deal. It also turns out she was fixing to have a threesome with myself and a friend of hers. OH FUCK ME.

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Emily Rose, not a soristitute.

So I get back from PSU-scapade on Monday afternoon. I was all about doing something Halloween night but nothing seemed to be materializing. Then Melissa Badding mentions that her and some cohorts are going to see “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” at 10 o’clock. I wanted to say screw it and go to bed early (I was functioning on 3 hours of drunk sleep), but I decided I’d be game. I really didn’t have high expectations. I mean let’s face it, most horror movies suck mad ass.

Anyway this movie completely blew me away. I was freaked the fuck out for a decent amount of time after the movie ended. The thing is those run of the mill slasher bad guy kills everybody kinda movies don’t do much for me. I’ll get startled and I’ll probably be entertained throughout but those movies just can’t really affect you in the ways movies like “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” can. I hesitate to compare it to this movie but in ways it was like The Blair Witch Project. It was more about what you didn’t see than what you did see. The fact that it was based on a true story certainly adds to the freakiness. I went with a group of 6 and we were pretty much evenly split. Melissa and Karrie were as freaked out as I was while the others actually were disappointed. Guess they were expecting some garbage like Scream? So anyway, if you wanna be freaked out and lay in your bed unable to sleep looking warily around your room for 3 hours I highly recommend this flick.

In other news, I discovered this girl I know has the same exact birthday as me. I will be pushing for a joint b-day party. In which case, everyone better have their shit together by mid-December. Oh, and happy birthday to Jared Brown. He will officially be allowed to scam on hoochies at dive bars on Monday. Too bad he looks absolutely nothing like me. Fuckin Lebanon…

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Why I’m called the no-standards puke machine

After partaking in some ramadan festivities I decided to drive to Penn State.

THURSDAY: Shortly after arriving I get drunk, luckily for nancy this was not the only time. So me shug and fuckin steve head over to Pika. We passed Daniel “D-bag” Cohen on the way who was patiently waiting for a “soristitute”, (prostitute+sorority girl) I really have no idea wtf it is… Anyway three typical ass grabbing no talent ass clown frat brothers give us the tenth degree and refuse to let us come in so I have to call Tad Macfarlan (his balls were safely tucked away in his underpants this time). Oh yeah, and dropping Dan’s middle name Herbert didn’t help us get in. I think his middle name is actually Harrison. Who gives a fuck. So we chill there for a little while and Shug leaves to go back to gc40 leaving me to deal with the mess that was Steve. Apparently despite me holding her hand on the way home she decided to investigate a stairwell by herself. She proceeds to “inspect” the structural integrity of said stairwell by puking all over herself. She somehow makes it back (I think I found her?). Guess we shoulda had dick drive us back…I made one drunk phone call this night to a one Jocelyn Sumara, yeah don’t know where that one came from…

FRIDAY: Nothing to mention until me and shug decide to walk to the other side of the universe for a girl from work party. That should have alerted us right there but we forged ahead. There’s a total of 10 people there to split two kegs. Amateur party throwing really. Then Nancy, “a rubenesque” African American girl decides to hit on me. The other day I was actually wondering if black girls are attracted to white guys so obviously God decided to answer the question for me. Just wish I had been sober. That God, always pullin pranks on my ass. I don’t even really remember giving her my number but we got the hell out of there. After everyone decides to hit the sack and I’m left to drink by myself (also a reoccurring theme) Nancy calls me. I go meet up with her and bring her back. We make out and then a smashed Anne Siegfried comes back with her two buddies. We move into the bathroom. Long story short she decides to say bye by giving me a terrible blowjob, didn’t know they existed. Her jean jacket is still at gc40 leaving the door open for a potential second visit, in which case I hope all cocks are safely guarded.

SATURDAY: We do a little tailgating (the highlight was Cindy Colburn pouring some of her own beer into my cup), and I walk 9 miles back to their apt. We get two kegs and 3 1.5 liter vladi’s for the costume party on Saturday night. The night goes well for the most part. Some douches didn’t have costumes and we went through the jungle juice ridiculously quickly but that’s ok. Heff was real funny. Sporting a large black afro and a hell of a get up he entertains everyone thoroughly. Apparently he also took charge in breaking up the party by abruptly turning off the music and screaming “keg’s kicked!” I wasn’t there to witness it because Dong wanted to satisfy his insatiable appetite for Macdonald’s. Btw I was Steve Irwin. I fastened my little croc buddy to my belt and used him as a dildo for most of the night. And I had a clear opportunity to make up for Rubben Studdart with a hot blonde named A.H. As you expect I shit the bed because she wasn’t ugly/black. There was also some miss piggy girl who was cute but I didn’t pull that off either. Bitch hooked up with some hot girl though. Don’t worry Shug gave plenty of shit to the girl who promptly left. Highlights of the night include the ambiguously gay duo (starring kater and lex), karen almost dying, the horny cow girl who kept stealing parts of other peoples outfits, kim aubrey?, forgetting who Heff’s gf was, and dick. I sure do love dick.

SUNDAY: Definetly woke up drunk. Then made the startling discovery that neither keg was completely kicked. Looks like I’m not gettin home today! Watched a lot of football including the worst game ever played between the browns and the texans. Then we start watchin the Eagles…UGH. I’m not gonna talk about it but I’m just baffled by them right now… Bills also shit the bed against the heroic and still mediocre Tedi Bruschi and the pats. Everyone goes to bed at which point I decide to try to kick the keg myself. I remembered to drunk dial Melissa “the 9 year old ninja” Badding this night. Supposedly I just rambled on for a while so its not worth putting on this site for 50+ people to download again… I have no idea what I was doing but I didn’t go to bed till 5:30. Ed said I was being real loud too. Fuck his mother. Finally got my shit together and left on Monday. Awful car ride.

MISC: Hope at least one or two decent pics come out of those 4 ricockulous days. I met DeVon, aka Shug’s fuck buddy. Nice lady! Can’t wait to see her again so I can dish out a heaping pile of shit, that means I like ya! Right Shug??? Unfortunately I didn’t pee, puke, or shit on anyone this weekend. I’m sure I’ll make up for this below average outting though. Oh yeahhhh, and Adler one upped me by finding a black girl “who may or may not have been fat” and likes to have sex in bushes, but not in apartments. Oh fuck yeah.

Smith, Jared, Ed. There I fuckin mentioned ya.

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Nuclear madness

Yeah so I would post up some of my thoughts to convince people I am in fact a real person and not a character in some fucked up sitcom. Speaking of which I’m a big fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I remember the first time I saw it I was a little taken aback by the extreme form of Seinfeld humor but now I love it. It just pushes the envelope in ways Seinfeld couldn’t even touch.

Anyway I was up late writing my paper on my President Truman was a douchebag for dropping the atomic bomb on Japan. For a while I actually had a sentence included in the essay that went like this: “Faced with a watershed moment in history, Truman shit the bed.” I really wanted to keep it in there but I caved…

So nobody else watched Nip/Tuck? I f-ing love that shit. Ending was so awesome tonight. Basically one of the main characters, a plastic surgeon named dr. troy, was accused of murdering this dyke (and being a serial slasher/murderer called the carver). The whole episode was about how even the guys closest friends started to actually suspect him of the crime. So the accused (and innocent) guy uses his one phone call to leak the story of him being accused. He figures that the real murderer will not want someone else taking credit for his work. So the last scene of the episode is the newest victim of the carver sitting in his office (he was released because the d.a. dropped the charges after hearing about the new carver victim). So the camera pans around to show you the person waiting to see dr. troy is the detective that was riding the shit out of the accused guy the entire episode. She was treating him like shit the entire episode, insisting that violence was in his genes and shit. The line every episode begins on and this one ends on is “So what don’t you like about yourself?” Ehh ehh, good shit huh?

Don’t worry I’ll pull some shit this weekend and make a post/voicemessage/collage out of it.

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