E-Mail To My Roommate’s Professor

OK, here’s the deal. Last night, my roommate and our neighbors got absolutely hammered when we got back from the UConn/Syracuse game. My roommate Mike had one of “those” nights: he puked everywhere, fell down a flight of steps, passed out in our front yard until the cold woke him up, etc. Anyway, he missed his huge physics exam at 9am this morning. He is pretty sure that he won’t be able to make up the exam, so I volunteered to write an email to his professor, seeing as how he really has nothing to lose. Here it is.

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Michael K Auperen
To: dmarie@phys.uconn.edu
Date: Thu, 09 Feb 2006 13:34:24 -0500
Subject: Why I missed the exam this morning

Professor Marie,

I’m sorry I missed my exam this morning. According to your syllabus, “students will not be permitted to make-up exams unless a valid excuse (medical excuse, jury duty, et al) is provided.” I’m not going to lie, I don’t have a “valid” excuse, but an excuse nonetheless.

Last night, around 2:00 am, I was upstairs in my neighbors apartment, and decided to go downstairs to my place and finish studying for the exam and then go to bed. Unfortunately, I fell down the entire flight of stairs headfirst, got up, and began throwing up all over our front yard. My roommate thought I had broken my arm. (”Valid medical excuse”?)

This may be because I was severely drunk, or it could have been I was so excited to study that I lost my balance and fell; it’s hard to tell. Being a huge UConn basketball fan, I went to the game in order to break up the monotony of an eight-hour astronomy study session. However, I got quite drunk during the game in an act of youthful defiance against the evil Syracuse Orangemen, and continued the drinking with my neighbors when I got home. I fell asleep after the mysterious, not-at-all-drink-related vomiting occurred and slept right through my alarm clock. Literally. I fell on it.

My arm is pretty sore though, and I’m sure if I felt well enough to go to the doctor’s he would give me a note saying that I have at least some light-to-medium bone bruises.

I hope you understand. I didn’t want to give you the standard “oh my god I’m so sorry I overslept and I’m so sorry, this never happens, please let me retake the test” excuse that you probably get many times a semester. I just wanted to be honest with you - I screwed up, and hopefully I can retake the test in the future.

-Mike Auperen

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The Elisha Theory

WARNING: The following is not a drunken tale of college debauchery, although I’ve had more than my share. There is no profanity in the following post, but rest assured I swear a lot. I swear. This is not a recap of my weekend, weekday, or five hours ago, although I’ve had a fuckin’ great past five hours. I’m not drunk, high, or feeling somewhat emo.

But hopefully you’ll enjoy what you’re about to read.

“The Elisha Theory”

Consider Emile Hirsch, the actor who played the lead role of “Matthew Kidman” in “The Girl Next Door”, opposite Elisha Cuthbert.

He fell in love.

And no, I’m not talking about the plot of the movie.

It happened in real life. I’m sure of it.

After much debate between me and my roommate, I have come up with a theory. It’s called the Elisha Theory, named after the actress who first brought it to my attention.

The Elisha Theory can be properly defined as:

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Great story…

I’d like to think that I’d do the exact same thing…you gotta read this

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“Brooke Burke Does Things”

Alright, I don’t know how to start this off, so I’ll just jump right to it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Brooke Burke would do absolutely anything to stay in the Hollywood limelight. She undoubtedly peaked with E!’s Wild On – and then her career plummeted at a rate that would make Tara Reid jealous. Right now she’s hosting that American Idol rip-off show that revolves around a band past its prime searching for a new lead singer. Some truly refined American television.

And you just know the producers of this show didn’t come to Brooke Burke and offer her the position. Not a chance at all. No music-related show goes out there and searches for Brooke Burke, it just doesn’t happen. I mean, it’s not even 100% proven that Brooke Burke has functioning ears at all. But when Brooke Burke saw the classified ad in the Hollywood Times you just KNOW she jumped out of her chair and immediately re-hired her agent. Oh my god, this is the perfect job for me! The scant remaining members of Inks and me, Brooke Burke!

So there she was on my television.

(And I don’t know if anybody else noticed this, but Brooke Burke is 80% breasts. How is that even humanly possible? Do you think Jessica Simpson feels threatened?)

Then it hit me – Brooke Burke desperately needs her own reality show, and I’ve got the perfect pitch right here.

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America, say hello to Brooke Burke Does Things. The format of the show is simple: every episode would be themed, and Brooke Burke would – for the entire 30-minute show – do one and only one activity. Here are just a few examples off the top of my head:

- Brooke Burke shingles a roof

- Brooke Burke is a substitute high school teacher

- Brooke Burke delivers newspapers

- Brooke Burke moves a couch down a flight of stairs by herself

- Brooke Burke cuts down a tree

- Brooke Burke sees her reflection in a mirror

- Brooke Burke teaches herself to ride a unicycle

- Brooke Burke attempts to drink a gallon of milk in an hour (obviously this would be an hour-long special, preferably airing during sweeps and going up against Survivor)

The beauty of the show is that each episode really would just write itself. Brooke Burke trying to move a couch down a flight of stairs? Come on, every single household in America would tune in. I mean, what’s more enticing – a new episode of Will and Grace or the slight chance that Brooke Burke breaks both her legs in one of the most gruesome falls in television history?

And let’s just say that Brooke Burke has an innate ability to shingle roofs. So what? IT’S BROOKE BURKE SHINGLING A ROOF. Do you know how insanely hot that is? The 18-35 year old demographic would come out in droves to witness it – it’s a win/win situation for everybody involved in the show. See, it’s either Brooke Burke fails miserably at a certain task (chased by a dog while delivering the morning paper, chainsaw goes berserk and she saws her fingers off, etc.) and hilarity ensues, or Brooke Burke sexily completes the task at hand.

I can picture this exchange between two guys watching the show:

“You know, she’s really doing a piss poor job teaching history to those kids.�
“But dude, look at that rack. Jesus Christ!�
“Oh my god, she does not know where Texas is on a map.�
“We need TiVo.�

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Deep down inside, I wish Brooke Burke herself would stumble upon this article, read it, and realize what she needs to do. But in all likelihood, let’s be honest here, that’s probably not possible.

So there you have it. Television networks, feel free to steal my ingenious idea.

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Default Away Message (The 10 Commandments of IMing)

Everybody remembers the first moment they got addicted to instant messaging. This most likely happened during the America Online craze, which was heaven for us teenagers but hell for our parents, paying approximately $700 an hour for our internet usage. “Why can’t you just talk to your friends on the phone?� they would gripe. But to no avail. If it came down to our parents paying the heating bill or the America Online fees, we’d gladly doublebag a couple sweaters while we type away in our 28.8kbps wonderland.

We endured modem sounds, busy signals, and incredibly slow-loading AOL graphics, but we were hooked. Once we added a few friends to our buddy lists, we couldn’t stop. It was our drug. Twenty friends wasn’t enough. We needed more. Better sign up our little brothers and sisters and quickly enter them into our buddy lists. We secretly wondered how it would feel to have a hundred buddies. We secretly envied the people who did.

We did not, however, envy those kids who had CompuServe. If you knew somebody who used CompuServe, “Fuck them� is the phrase that would come to mind. They didn’t have Gay/Lesbian Chat Rooms to abuse like us AOL kids did. Nothing seemed more earth-shattering to us than entering one of those rooms and typing “25/m/ny…..I WANT A PENIS NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW�, then hurriedly exiting the chat room, terrified that an actual homosexual would talk to us.

But back to the point: fuck those CompuServe kids. AOL was where it was at and everybody knew it.

And you can admit it: the day that AOL increased the maximum amount of characters you could have in your screenname (from 8 to 12) was the greatest day you’ve ever known. You always knew that the measly eight letters or numbers prevented maximum screenname creativity. With the twelve, the sky was the limit. The limit being twelve characters. But that’s all the sky had to be back in those days. Simpler times.

And over the years, I’ve noticed some particular things that have been constant throughout the history of AIM. And based on those constants, I have compiled the following:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF INSTANT MESSAGING

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