Which Michael is “Bad”der?

vs.

I’m a HUGE fan of Jackson and Vick, in their respected realms of music and sport. However, both of their “off the field” antics makes me cringe. It still amazes me how Jackson was never convicted. I mean, if you found a blow-up doll in my bedroom, you’d pretty much know what I was doing with it.

Vick better be prosecuted to the fullest extent. If he isn’t, well, you better bet your momma’s sweet ass I’ll be picking him up on waiver wires in fantasy!

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Who’s The Hottest Female Athlete?

So who do you consider the today’s hottest female athlete? I’m not talking about how “hot” they are in their sport - like “It’s that damn Hansel. He’s so hot right now”. I’m talking about the face, legs, jubblies, and such that make these ladies damn sexxxy!

I have generously provided you with a view of my personal favs. Above, in no particular order, are Amanda Beard - Swimmer, Danica Patrica - Racer, Kristi Leskinen - Skiier, Lokelani McMichael - Triathlete, and Maria Sharapova - Tennis.

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10,000 losses…Celebratory or Shameful?

The Phillies are now the losingest team in sports…followed by the Braves at 9,681 losses (how fitting). Should we be happy about this? When I was at the game last night - drunk and gorging on Tony Luke’s - I was cheering for failure.

That’s right, in the very city where I boo future Hall-of-Famers for striking out, for not completing a pass in the flats or missing a 10-foot jump shot. But last night was different. If the Phils didn’t lose, I would have been pissed. And they have been damn good at losing, since they have only won ONE championship (1980) in 125 years!

And to top it all off, our leader, Chuck Manuel said after the game, “I don’t really care about it.” Well what the piss do you care about these days? This guy is unreal, I say we need to start a revolution to get Leyland, who we passed up for good ole’ Chucko! Who’s with me?

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The ORAL Question?

We live in a society that returns favors. If Billy gets you a Christmas present, then you get Billy one too. If you get a wedding present you send them a thank you card. If Suzy pays for your ice cream you say thank you. But, why is it that when it comes to oral sex the rules of “giving back” seem to change? One would think that if a guy goes down to the stinky clam, the girl would return the favor and taste the North Pole. This seems to not be the case in many situations. Guys are horny all the time. Most of us real men, never mind going down under. However, there are some females out there that think they can pick and choose when they do or don’t go down on us. Horseshit! Eating out a pussy is sooo much more “nastier,” if you will. It’s a slimy orifice that oozes shit all over you that if not washed off in a timely fashion will itch like a bitch. And the wiener is just like sucking on a piece of fruit or something, delicious ladies! So, why the controversy? If you know your not going to return the favor, save us the trouble and tell us before hand. But, you won’t do that because most girls are greedy! Yea I said it! I know there are a few of you out there that are champions of the sport. This rant is not directed towards you, we love you dearly. So Ladies, I tell you, you must start orally pleasure us too and don’t forget…mind those damn step children!

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A Mid-Winter’s Night of Drunken ‘Phases’

Phase 1 – “Buzzin’ with a Smile�
Phase 2 – “Philosophical�
Phase 3 – “Shot! On Me!�
Phase 4 – “Hey there pretty (fat) lady�
Phase 5 – “……..�

This past Friday was a night where I decided that a night of drinking needed to occur A.S.A.P.! My boy Chris calls me at 8:30 p.m. and informs me that he stole the biggest bottle of Grey Goose he has ever seen from a hotel room (Chris cleans hotel rooms…straight up nasty!) So, we decide to go to his apt. and start killing this bottle before we go to Hemingway’s later.

At Chris’s apt. we went through the first 2 Phases of Drunkenness. Watching Scarface and drinking Grey Goose on the rocks…doesn’t get much better than that. The buzz kicks in quick, the smiles come and we start talking like Tony Montana, “Are you fuckin’ lookin’ at me? Huh cocksuka?â€? haha…goodtimes. The buzz quickly turns into the Philosophical Phase…

I say to Chris, “Hey, when Tony says, ‘I got two things in this world, my balls and my word, and I don’t break them for nobody.’ he’s gotta be right man, cause I’m talking to you right now (words), while I’m holding my sack (balls).� – A cheer of laughter fills the room. “Tony’s right man!� After 1 ½ hours of Grey Goose we hit up Hemingway’s.

I walk in, order 4 Heineken’s (2 each), “Oh and bartender two shots, your choice, it’s on me!� Of course it’s on me!, I’m such a douchebag. By now, the shots and the Heiny’s are flowing like the salmon of Capistrano. Playing 8 min. Metallica and Beatles songs on the jukebox just merely to piss people off. Then, all of a sudden, I see her. A fat chick I was in class with, so what does one do in this situation? Buy her a shot!

I had enough sense to halt any sexual favors with the Goodyear Blimp but I have now reached the Phase of “…….� I need to go home! Home is just a short bus ride home right? But not short enough when you have reached Phase 5! When I left Hemingway’s, I had the urge to piss, so instead of going back in the bar, I piss on the side of the Pitt Union, great choice! I pissed on the door handle, cause why not? Nothing like giving somebody a good pair of Urine hands in the morning, ey gabla? I couldn’t read what bus was what, so I get on the first bus….well, wrong fucking bus! I decided to ride this out cause it was so damn cold I needed to thaw out. I get off in East Liberty (One of Pittsburgh’s finest ghetto’s) and walk home to Shadyside, about a mile walk. Takes me an damn hour to stumble home in 17 degree weather. Will this Friday be as good?…we’ll see

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