Alright, I don’t know how to start this off, so I’ll just jump right to it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Brooke Burke would do absolutely anything to stay in the Hollywood limelight. She undoubtedly peaked with E!’s Wild On – and then her career plummeted at a rate that would make Tara Reid jealous. Right now she’s hosting that American Idol rip-off show that revolves around a band past its prime searching for a new lead singer. Some truly refined American television.
And you just know the producers of this show didn’t come to Brooke Burke and offer her the position. Not a chance at all. No music-related show goes out there and searches for Brooke Burke, it just doesn’t happen. I mean, it’s not even 100% proven that Brooke Burke has functioning ears at all. But when Brooke Burke saw the classified ad in the Hollywood Times you just KNOW she jumped out of her chair and immediately re-hired her agent. Oh my god, this is the perfect job for me! The scant remaining members of Inks and me, Brooke Burke!
So there she was on my television.
(And I don’t know if anybody else noticed this, but Brooke Burke is 80% breasts. How is that even humanly possible? Do you think Jessica Simpson feels threatened?)
Then it hit me – Brooke Burke desperately needs her own reality show, and I’ve got the perfect pitch right here.
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America, say hello to Brooke Burke Does Things. The format of the show is simple: every episode would be themed, and Brooke Burke would – for the entire 30-minute show – do one and only one activity. Here are just a few examples off the top of my head:
- Brooke Burke shingles a roof
- Brooke Burke is a substitute high school teacher
- Brooke Burke delivers newspapers
- Brooke Burke moves a couch down a flight of stairs by herself
- Brooke Burke cuts down a tree
- Brooke Burke sees her reflection in a mirror
- Brooke Burke teaches herself to ride a unicycle
- Brooke Burke attempts to drink a gallon of milk in an hour (obviously this would be an hour-long special, preferably airing during sweeps and going up against Survivor)
The beauty of the show is that each episode really would just write itself. Brooke Burke trying to move a couch down a flight of stairs? Come on, every single household in America would tune in. I mean, what’s more enticing – a new episode of Will and Grace or the slight chance that Brooke Burke breaks both her legs in one of the most gruesome falls in television history?
And let’s just say that Brooke Burke has an innate ability to shingle roofs. So what? IT’S BROOKE BURKE SHINGLING A ROOF. Do you know how insanely hot that is? The 18-35 year old demographic would come out in droves to witness it – it’s a win/win situation for everybody involved in the show. See, it’s either Brooke Burke fails miserably at a certain task (chased by a dog while delivering the morning paper, chainsaw goes berserk and she saws her fingers off, etc.) and hilarity ensues, or Brooke Burke sexily completes the task at hand.
I can picture this exchange between two guys watching the show:
“You know, she’s really doing a piss poor job teaching history to those kids.�
“But dude, look at that rack. Jesus Christ!�
“Oh my god, she does not know where Texas is on a map.�
“We need TiVo.�
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Deep down inside, I wish Brooke Burke herself would stumble upon this article, read it, and realize what she needs to do. But in all likelihood, let’s be honest here, that’s probably not possible.
So there you have it. Television networks, feel free to steal my ingenious idea.
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Solid idea. I’d certainly like to see Brooke Burke do things. People might call it the poor man’s “simple life” though. So they’d need to concentrate on the differences between Paris and Brooke (i.e. Brooke wondering where her life is going, maybe some therapy etc.)
Alright Phelan, we started posting again so you aren’t the only one, although anything I write is never really as good as what you kick out…oh well