10 Reasons Why I Hate Hipster Bars

This past weekend I had the privilege to spend my Saturday night at some hipster bar in Philly. It was a good time overall, but it made me realize why I’ll take the local hole in the wall over a popular place any day. Here are 10 reasons why:

(in no particular order)

10. Overpriced Drinks - Nothing like paying $5+ for a miller lite.
9. The no hat rule - I personally look good in a hat (ok not really). If the hat is worn straight and is in good shape, I think it should be allowed.
8. Covers - I don’t mind paying a cover so long as there is a drink special or a shitty band playing. Paying a cover just to get in is lame.
7. Inability to get a drink - Nothing is worse than waiting FOREVER to get a drink. Especially when you watch people at the other end of the bar walk up and get served right away.
6. Douchebags - This is probably the worst one. Apparently, it’s cool now to wear a slightly unbuttoned dress shirt with your bare chest exposed. Couple that with some slick Italian looking hair and a popped collar and you have yourself a bonified douchebag. And somehow, they seem to always get the girls…
5. Dancing - I don’t mind people dancing. Personally, it’s not for me unless I am in the right company. They should really designate a place for people to get down so I can stand on the edge and creepily stare at the girl on girl dancing =)
4. No Room - Being sandwiched between two strangers blows, especially when it’s two dudes.
3. Line to get in - A lot of places make you wait in a line to get in. Once inside you find that the place isn’t that packed and they just do it to look “exclusive”. Retarded.
2. Loud Music - Most people go to bars to socialize, I assume. It’s pretty tough when you can’t hear the person 1 foot away from you.
1. VIP areas - I guess they make people feel cool. I don’t get it.

Then again, there is usually more vagina than the local joint.

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From Munich to the Masses

So, I’m sure the absence of initials has plagued many loyal BpBc fans as of late. Questions like “Where is Mr. P.?” or “Why can’t I be his baby’s momma?” have been posed, and I am here to answer. While you desk jockeys have been slaving away at work (like I am otherwise), I have been traveling the world abroad and experiencing things men dream about and things you wouldn’t even imagine (Disclaimer: I only traveled to Munich, Germany for 3 nights). Either way, it was during the last weekend of this little celebration they have over there called Oktoberfest. Ever heard of it? But thankfully, I have come back more knowledgeable, more refined, and a little drunk. So therefore, I think I am now qualified to give you some knowledge squeezed from my brain juice on how to properly enjoy Oktoberfest. Enjoy!

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Would You Rather - Warm vs Slushy Beer

This week’s WYR comes from a BpBc fanatic who wishes to remain anonymous and in the depths of his dark dark lair. You can check out the last WYR here:

OK, here goes…Would You Rather:

1. Drink a warm beer. Not like room temperature but heated up. Not HOT, but uncomfortably warm.

- or -

2. Drink / chew slushy beer. You can’t really swallow it without chewing it so I guess you are really eating the beer.

Well?

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10 Drinks / Shots That Will Make You Puke

Here is a top 10 list of alcoholic drinks and shots that you should avoid at all costs. They usually induce my puke reflex and force me to use every muscle in my body to chew it back, garth. So take note of the drinks you should either stay away from or buy for your friend on their 21st birthday.

10 Drinks / Shots That Will Make You Puke

• The Stinger ( or Stanger ) - A shot of Vladdy in a glass of Natty (or Natty Ice). This drink was invented by a severely intoxicated Mike Heffernan one night at Pitt. We decided it would help us get extra drunk and it instead only made me hate my life the next morning.
• 252 - Half 151, Half Wild Turkey. Total puke through your nose - the kind that burns for hours.
• Three Wisemen - Jack, Johnny and Jim. The three J’s of death. Suprisingly, this shot tastes better coming back up. True Story.
• Cement Mixer - Fill one shot glass with Bailey’s. Fill second shot glass with Lime and 151. Shake you mouth back and forth and let the good times roll. I had this on my buddy’s 21st and it was absolutely terrible, especially since I had to chew it down.
• Motor Oil - A shot of bourbon mixed with Hershey’s Syrup. You can’t get this one at most bars as they don’t usually carry Hersey’s syrup. While it might sound tasty, it’s far from it.
• Prairie Fire - Tequila and Tabasco sauce. It will put some hair on your ass no doubt.
• Poop Dollar - This is an original, although I am not sure who came up with it. We went out for a friends birthday and made this ridiculous shot called the Poop Dollar. Knob Creek, Bailey’s and Jager. Gives the shot a nice “feces brown” color. Hey, THERES POOP ON THAT DOLLAR!
• Four Horsemen - 151, Rumple Minz, Cuervo and Jager. Alone, they are nasty but when mixed they make you orgasm. Seriously.
• High Crown - 10 High Whiskey + Crown Russe Vodka. While I have never had this one, it can’t be that bad. Crown Russe goes down easy with anything…
• Jager chased with some chest hair - Another orginal. Nothing beats some Jager from the chest with some nipple hair to add some texture. Barf.

So there you have it. Buy your friends these shots, but avoid them at all costs. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

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5 Reasons Why I Hate Bathroom Attendants

So this past Friday I went down to a bar in Philly. It was a good time, but not really my scene. Anyway, 2 beers into the night I went into the bathroom to take care of business when I was greeted by a fresh-off-the-street bathroom attendant. For those of you that know me, I am a pretty laid back person, but there are certain things that really piss me off and bathroom attendants are on the list.

Here’s why.

5. They often make pointless conversation with you in hopes of making a buck. I know all about bullshitting with people, I do it all day. The last thing I want is to have to deal with another “salesman” while I’m trying to get my pee on.

4. They make an already somewhat awkward situation even worse. If I am in there alone, all I can think about is how I am going to get out of there without tipping the guy. Plus, the fact that he is probably staring at me while I’m peeing. Yea no thanks.

3. They make me want to skip washing my hands so I can avoid the attendant. I’ll try to run out of there so I don’t feel so bad about not giving him a dollar for tearing off a paper towel. Then I have dirty hands AND a guilty conscience.

2. The line of guys in the bathroom (and there always is one) will watch you try to either sneak out without washing your hands or sneak out without tipping. Either way you are an asshole.

1. I am already paying a 5 dollar cover, 9 bucks for a Car Bomb, 4 dollars for a beer plus tips for the bartender. There is no need for me to spend MORE money for some idiot to give me a hand towel.

So yea, I have beef with bathroom attendants. Do women have the same thing in their place of business?

I think Michael Scott said it best in last week’s Ep with, “I thought you want your privacy in there?”

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Bar Songs That Will Get You Laid

Ok so maybe these songs won’t get you laid, but they will make the night much more enjoyable. I have compiled a list of jukebox hits that will stun the drunkards craving sing-a-long sensations.

In no particular order:

1. Don’t Stop Believing by Journey - Guys, don’t get caught singing.
2. The Difference by The Wall Flowers - The chorus is easy to pick up.
3. What I Got by Sublime - Really any sublime song will work, but this is most known
4. Say It Ain’t So by Weezer - This song is risky. Should hit home with a younger crowd.
5. Pinball Wizard by The Who - Such a great song.
6. Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield - People will love it. Again, guys might want to avoid singing…
7. One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer by George Thorogood - It’s 9 minutes long. A value play to say the least.
8. Piano Man by Billy Joel - Everyone will sing along
9. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond - For the older ladies in the crowd who are grasping onto what youth they have left.
10. You Shook Me All Night Long by ACDC - Classic Rock at it’s finest

These are only 10 of the many songs that will make a night at the bar. Granted, you have to play to the crowd if you want everyone to enjoy. Pick the right song for the right girl and you might just get laid.

Godspeed.

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My Brother May Be A Sloppy Drunk, But We Still Love Him

For anyone that knows my brother, they know that he can often be a sloppy drunk. This exchange between us the other day is a perfect example:

(I am ExcapeFromReason and my brother is ShugosoBYOB)

shugosoBYOB: SOOOOO i got super wasted, and decided i needed to leave this girl’s place i was at (some gal i was hooking up with). So at 4 or 5 am, i run errr trot home naked. buck ass naked with only a hand towel to cover up. I stubbed my toe on the way, it was bleeeding like crazy
ExcapeFromReason: ass naked?
shugosoBYOB: yea.
ExcapeFromReason: you left your shit there?
ExcapeFromReason: hahaha how far?
shugosoBYOB: yea
shugosoBYOB: 20 minute walk
ExcapeFromReason: HAHAHAHA
shugosoBYOB: so….12 minute trot
ExcapeFromReason: anyone see you?
shugosoBYOB: my toe was bleeding everywhere
shugosoBYOB: i dunno man, i was so fucked up
shugosoBYOB: probably.
ExcapeFromReason: aw man
ExcapeFromReason: howd you remember all this?
ExcapeFromReason: thats insane
shugosoBYOB: i dunno man, i remember running home thats all
shugosoBYOB: i think i like peeed on the floor in the bathroom or something
shugosoBYOB: and decided it was too embarrasssing to hang around for
shugosoBYOB: and like ed and all these people were calling the police
shugosoBYOB: cuz they only knew i was naked and they couldnt find me
shugosoBYOB: so eventually jared let me in their place and i slept there
ExcapeFromReason: hilarious

Auto response from shugosoBYOB: i drink way too much.

ExcapeFromReason: they called the police?
shugosoBYOB: i didnt
ExcapeFromReason: and you peed all over this girls floor?
shugosoBYOB: ed did
ExcapeFromReason: so now you have to go back and get your shit still at the house where you peed on her floor?
ExcapeFromReason: wow
shugosoBYOB: nah they brought my shit back?
shugosoBYOB: apparently
ExcapeFromReason: haha wow
ExcapeFromReason: you hungover?
shugosoBYOB: yea i g.g
shugosoBYOB: haha yeaa
ExcapeFromReason: Later

So apparently he pee’d on some girls floor and decided he didn’t want to be around for the aftermath so he trotted home at 5am naked, only to find himself locked out. Makes me excited for boozing this summer =).

I did a post some time ago about some drunken voicemails he left me. You can listen to them here:

Tim’s Voicemail 1
Tim’s Voicemail 2
Tim’s Voicemail 3
Tim’s Voicemail 4
Tim’s Voicemail 5
Tim’s Voicemail 6

And for good measure, i’ll throw in a gem Donny left.

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