Jenna Fischer Separates From Husband, Results In Boner

I heard on the radio today that Jenna Fischer recently separated from her husband. Man did that put a smile on my face…does that make me a bad person?

There is still hope that she will randomly stroll into my store and instantly fall in love at the sight of me pouring sweat with dough all over my fingers like I just blew a load on my hands. What girl can resist that image? Pure sexy.

::Sigh:: I live a sad, sad life.

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The…Something…Speaks

Hi there.

I’m Clare.

You will not see my boobs.

What the hell am I talking about, give me enough tequila and you’ll totally see my boobs. I just had no way to start this post, because I’m generally bad at introducing myself, mostly because my reputation precedes me. I am responsible for the 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex (The article, not the mistakes themselves). My writing has been featured in FHM, thatsjustnotright.com, intelligenthumor.com, and at disgruntledworkforce.com. Among others.

If you go to Netscape.com, you can see a picture of my bright smiling face on the front page.

So what the hell am I doing here?

I have no idea. It looked like you needed a new token female, you know, besides Dan. I’m all for doing my friends favors. And charging them dirty pictures for them. I’m not a fan of the term “Token female” because I don’t like the implication that is attached to it. The women who come here can speak for themselves and certainly don’t need a “token anything” to do it. But I digress.

So, let’s get this show on the road.

Things You Shouldn’t Expect From Me:

1. Regular posts. I can’t even claim to be busy. I just go through phases. But if you ask, I will totally lie and claim that my personal life is insane.

2. Tact. I’m not sure what happened to me but I lost the ability to shut my mouth (ESPECIALLY when I should) sometime around college. I won’t apologize for this, as I only apologize when I am genuinely sorry, which happens about as often as Britney Spears wears underpants.

3. Feminazi bullshit. I shave my legs. Not always regularly, but I do. I work in a male dominated field. I love boys. I don’t need a parade because  I have ovaries. However, when I do have PMS, chances are I will post here and offend 98% of the audience. (Refer to item #2.)

4. I will not post about sex like I invented it. I am comfortable enough with myself to not post the more sensitive details of my life. Chances are the only time I will use the word “dildo” is when I’m talking about my ex boyfriend. And only because that’s what I call him.

Things You Should Expect From Me:

1. At some point, I will tell someone to fuck themselves. They will probably deserve it. But, this is Dan’s playground, thus I will eventually suck it up and try to behave. He’s only given me a few guidelines, which speaks volumes about the trust he’s placing in me. The other sites I write for handed me 15 or so pages of things I can’t say and do. (It never really stopped me but you have to give them props for trying).

2. Although I have a cooter, I tend to get along with men better than women. That being said, I am not angry really. I tried that angry, alterna chick thing. It made me look washed out and I felt like a tool. (It also spawned many a conversation between me and my family about how no, I am not gay, I am just full of fury and rage). I am alpha female on more than one male dominated website, and I don’t understand being angry at other women just for being there. I was a women’s studies minor in college, I got my fill of crazy bitches there.

3. I make fun of everyone. Everyone. Sometimes I write shit even I don’t believe. It’s one of those sacrifices you make for your craft, or some such shit.

4. I swear. A lot. Spare me the lecture on how smart people can communicate without using profanity. I’ve turned it into an artform.

5. I will share entirely too much information. The more it grosses people out, the more likely I am to do it. I really am like a 10 year old boy in a 25 year old female’s body.

6. I will get drunk and post. It will be ridiculous. Try not to make fun of me too much.

Anyway, I think that about covers it. I just wanted to make a quick “hi, this is the type of bitch I am” post before I drink myself to sleep.

In short: There’s a new token female, bitches.

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Hayden Panettiere FHM UK Shots

Hayden Panettiere has a spread in an upcoming issue of FHM UK. Normally, I don’t post a lot of celebrity pictures, but I can’t help myself.

Stunning.

I may have to start watching that Heros show.

I found these shots over at downity.

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Happy 18th Birthday, Hayden Panettiere

I remember my 18th birthday like it was yesterday. The old man took me out to buy a shit load of scratch-n-win lottery tickets and then to the local titty bar to squander our winnings on some of Philadelphia’s finest. We ended up with a 20 dollar winner, but put it between some girls boobs for a tip instead of duping her with a losing ticket as we had planned. Ahh, Good ‘ole father and son shenanigans. Those were the days.

Well today is another 18th birthday bonanza, almost as monumental as my own. My girl Hayden Panettiere (however you say it…doesn’t really matter) is finally 18 - not that I’ve had a 3 month countdown on my wall or anything.

I can now safely check out her pictures and not have to worry about that sexual predator TV show host bursting into my room while my pants are down (kidding).

Is the fact that she was only 17 when these pictures were taken make it wrong to look at? Even though she is 18 now? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. I tend to walk the line on those “grey areas” and can never tell.

Next Step, Playboy? =)

A Hayden collection for your legal enjoyment:

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Which Michael is “Bad”der?

vs.

I’m a HUGE fan of Jackson and Vick, in their respected realms of music and sport. However, both of their “off the field” antics makes me cringe. It still amazes me how Jackson was never convicted. I mean, if you found a blow-up doll in my bedroom, you’d pretty much know what I was doing with it.

Vick better be prosecuted to the fullest extent. If he isn’t, well, you better bet your momma’s sweet ass I’ll be picking him up on waiver wires in fantasy!

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Lindsay Lohan Mugshot - My How The Mighty Have Fallen

Lindsay Lohan at her finest ladies and gentlemen - her mugshot.

I remember the glory days of Mean Girls and Freaky Friday when Lindsay drove teenage boys (myself included) wild. She was the center of many masturbatory encounters. Now, she is so F’ed up on drugs and booze that I just don’t know.

And she is only 21?! Good Christ.

It’s a shame to see someone with such acting potential crash so hard. I mean, her performance in Herbie Fully Loaded was nothing short of spectacular…It doesn’t get much better than that.

At least she still has an amazing rack. Unfortunately, that doesn’t outweigh her psychotic mentality.

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Open Letter to Jason Lee

Dear Mr. Lee,

It has been many years, more than I can even recall, that I discovered you. Not in the same sense as Kevin Smith might claim, but more so in the sense that I loved you in “Mallrats.” At the beginning of our “relationship”, it was simply wonderful. We were truly in bliss. You made me laugh in “Chasing Amy” with your little clap session in the lesbian bar, you made me ponder my religion in “Dogma,” you made me appreciate great music in “Almost Famous.” It was a happy time in which we didn’t have a care in the world because kicking ass was your business, and business was good.

Read The Rest >>

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