Long involved story really really short: Work has been kicking the shit out of me, and despite my protests, hissyfits and other professional tools at my disposal, my job now involves Sales for the forseeable future. This does not make me a happy monkey, as I am quite possibly the shittiest sales person to walk the planet.
So, I’ve spent the majority of my days on the phone, and I can’t help myself from fucking with people. It’s amazing I still have a job.
Here’s how some of the conversations went.
“Me: Hi Tom this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tom: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Tom, it’s Clare again. You might want to get your phone checked out, it randomly disconnected and I thought you should know before someone accuses you of being unprofessional and hanging up on them!”
“Me: Hi Michael this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Michael: I don’t have time for this shit right now.
Me: I understand that. Is there a time later today that you would have time for my shit? I really have all day. ”
“Me: Hi Tony this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tony: I’m not interested.
Me: In what?
Tony: Whatever you’re selling.
Me: How do you know?
Tony: How do I know what?
Me: If you’re not interested in what I have to say when you haven’t given me the opportunity to say anything? Do you know the lottery numbers, too? ”
“Me: Hi Greg this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Greg: Bitch <Click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Greg. I just wanted to let you know what the proper ettiquite of getting someone off of the phone entails. Usually, it involves calling someone a derogatory name and then saying “Goodbye”, because that’s the polite thing to do. For example: You’re a self important asshole. Have a great day! <click>”
“Me: Hi Pablo this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Pablo: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Pablo, it looks like we got disconnected…
Pablo: No we didn’t. That was intentional. What the hell do you want?
Me: Oh, well then let me rephrase. Hi Pablo, it looks like you are incredibly rude and I am giving you a chance to redeem yoursel…
Pablo: <Click>”
“Me: Hi Sanjeev this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea how busy I am?
Me: No, sir I cant say that I do is there a better time I ca…
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea who I am?
Me: I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to.
Sanjeev: Do you know how many traders I am working with at the moment?!
Me: If I guess correctly do I get to keep them?
Sanjeev: <click>”
“Me: Hi Jordan this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Jordan: Not interested <click>
Me: <Calls back> Hi Jordan, I know that we got disconnected because I know a man of your cailber would never hang up on a sweet, 25 year old girl because that would just be rude.
Jordan: I…uh…
Me: Yea I get that a lot.”
“Me: Hi Dale this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Dale: You have 30 seconds of my time.
Me: Aren’t you going to count down or something?
Dale: What?
Me: Does this count for my 30 seconds, or are you going to count to three so I know when to start timing?
Dale: Are you fucking serious.
Me: Yes, I am.
Dale: I don’t have time for this.
Me: I understand that, you’re the one who wanted to play the lets time the girl on the phone game. Now if you had just been nice in the first place, this call would’ve taken half the time. Which is a completely inefficient use of your time considering that you really didn’t have to be so abrasive so you consciously chose to do something that would eat at your oh so precious time. So. As I see it, I have 30 seconds starting…now. Like I was saying…
Dale: Have you considered a career in trading? You’re kind of ruthless.”
“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Ron: Im busy, fuck yourself.
Me: Listen, mister. I am having kind of a day and believe you me if fucking myself was an option Id not be sitting here talking to you.
Ron: What?!
Me: I haven’t gotten any in a very long time and I don’t get paid enough to be told to fuck myself by someone like you so you are going to sit there and listen to every god damn word I have to say, do you understand?
Ron: Yes ma’am.”
“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Paul: Just email me the information, I don’t have time to talk to you.
Me: Great, that’s exactly what I was shooting for.
Paul:…..
Me: Truthfully, I’m a shitty sales person, I’m only doing it temporarily and I hate it. I just needed to tick someone off the list so it looks like I’ve actually done something productive. So you’ve totally made my day. Can I get your email?
Paul: After that, you can have as much of my time as you want.”
“Earl: WHAT?
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: <exasperated> What?!
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: I heard you, what?! <obviously wants to know what I want>
Me: HI THIS IS CLARE cal..
Earl: What?!
Me: <louder> HI THIS IS CLARE CAL…
Earl: <click>”
So, I still hate sales, but I have managed to keep myself pretty entertained for the time being.
We should start a BPBC betting pool: How long until Clare is escorted out of the building.
