Halftime Show Hilarity

I’m not sure what sporting event this was held at, but it doesn’t really matter. Humor at other people’s expense is always a fan favorite on BigPlansBigCrash. Watch and enjoy…

There are so many questions left unanswered. Like, why does she flail her arms when she runs? What do you think the football players say when she runs into them? Why does she keep running after the contest is over? Did she even know the rules of the contest? Is she wearing a bra? So many questions…

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The…Something…Speaks

Hi there.

I’m Clare.

You will not see my boobs.

What the hell am I talking about, give me enough tequila and you’ll totally see my boobs. I just had no way to start this post, because I’m generally bad at introducing myself, mostly because my reputation precedes me. I am responsible for the 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex (The article, not the mistakes themselves). My writing has been featured in FHM, thatsjustnotright.com, intelligenthumor.com, and at disgruntledworkforce.com. Among others.

If you go to Netscape.com, you can see a picture of my bright smiling face on the front page.

So what the hell am I doing here?

I have no idea. It looked like you needed a new token female, you know, besides Dan. I’m all for doing my friends favors. And charging them dirty pictures for them. I’m not a fan of the term “Token female” because I don’t like the implication that is attached to it. The women who come here can speak for themselves and certainly don’t need a “token anything” to do it. But I digress.

So, let’s get this show on the road.

Things You Shouldn’t Expect From Me:

1. Regular posts. I can’t even claim to be busy. I just go through phases. But if you ask, I will totally lie and claim that my personal life is insane.

2. Tact. I’m not sure what happened to me but I lost the ability to shut my mouth (ESPECIALLY when I should) sometime around college. I won’t apologize for this, as I only apologize when I am genuinely sorry, which happens about as often as Britney Spears wears underpants.

3. Feminazi bullshit. I shave my legs. Not always regularly, but I do. I work in a male dominated field. I love boys. I don’t need a parade because  I have ovaries. However, when I do have PMS, chances are I will post here and offend 98% of the audience. (Refer to item #2.)

4. I will not post about sex like I invented it. I am comfortable enough with myself to not post the more sensitive details of my life. Chances are the only time I will use the word “dildo” is when I’m talking about my ex boyfriend. And only because that’s what I call him.

Things You Should Expect From Me:

1. At some point, I will tell someone to fuck themselves. They will probably deserve it. But, this is Dan’s playground, thus I will eventually suck it up and try to behave. He’s only given me a few guidelines, which speaks volumes about the trust he’s placing in me. The other sites I write for handed me 15 or so pages of things I can’t say and do. (It never really stopped me but you have to give them props for trying).

2. Although I have a cooter, I tend to get along with men better than women. That being said, I am not angry really. I tried that angry, alterna chick thing. It made me look washed out and I felt like a tool. (It also spawned many a conversation between me and my family about how no, I am not gay, I am just full of fury and rage). I am alpha female on more than one male dominated website, and I don’t understand being angry at other women just for being there. I was a women’s studies minor in college, I got my fill of crazy bitches there.

3. I make fun of everyone. Everyone. Sometimes I write shit even I don’t believe. It’s one of those sacrifices you make for your craft, or some such shit.

4. I swear. A lot. Spare me the lecture on how smart people can communicate without using profanity. I’ve turned it into an artform.

5. I will share entirely too much information. The more it grosses people out, the more likely I am to do it. I really am like a 10 year old boy in a 25 year old female’s body.

6. I will get drunk and post. It will be ridiculous. Try not to make fun of me too much.

Anyway, I think that about covers it. I just wanted to make a quick “hi, this is the type of bitch I am” post before I drink myself to sleep.

In short: There’s a new token female, bitches.

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This one time in high school, part 2

I was at football practice being my usual studly self, pancake blocking underclassmen, knocking them over, you know, being a tough guy, when my coach started yelling at me because I knocked the wrong freshman over.

Apparently I ran the wrong way and screwed up the play. Most times when this happens I heard something like “I Swear to God, you’re the dumbest smart kid I know!” or “You’ve gone plum crazy!” (one of favorites) But that day, coach was in a bad mood and it was my fault.

“I swear god God, my wife hates you because you keep me up at night wondering how you’re going to screw up the next day!”

Ouch. I remember thinking “why does he have to bring his wife into this? I’ve never even met her.” Fortunately, I was not on the receiving end of his worst comment: “Bulldog, you’re so stupid sometimes I think you’re retarded.

God I miss football.

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A Letter To Alcohol

This letter found it’s way across my inbox so I figured that I would share it with you all. It defines some of my friends and myself to perfection.

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale BBQ chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday, 3pm (pre-happy hour), on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

Source: Anonymous

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Ultimate Christian Wrestling: Where We Beat Back Sin With A Figure-4 Leg Lock

This is for all you wrestling Christians. In the over secular world of professional wrestling, UCW pairs quality wrestling action with faith and redemption. I heard about this on the radio the other morning and had to check out the site. Most of the matches pit a good, god fearing wrestler against a sinner. Guess who wins.

At the end of every event, God himself, or Jesus, if God is busy elsewhere, descends to a turnbuckle to judge the combatents. Earning the belt of truth gives a wrestler a pass to heaven. The damned wrestlers suffer under the eternal sleeper hold.

Current heaven go-er “God’s Property Billy Jack” owns the ring with a mighty righteousness. I imagine the play by play announcing would go something like this:
Read The Rest >>

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Caption This - Penn State Parties Are Totally Heterosexual, Brah

Sorry I haven’t been keeping up with the Caption This section of BpBc. I might make it an updated every Tuesday deal. You may remember the last “Caption This” picture number 1. What you didn’t know is that it was only a piece of an even better picture that we are going to caption this week.

I think i’ll kick it off with:

“Penn State parties are totally heterosexual, brah”

That’s the best I can do right now, I’m tired and it’s late. Sorry to the guys in the photo because I’m pretty sure most of them read BpBc. All in good fun.

Caption it. Ready GOO.

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SNL “Lazer Cats” Video is Hilarious - Watch It

I love lame jokes and cheesy humor. It’s just who I am. Maybe that’s why I find Lazer Cats to be hilarious. I saw the sequel, Lazer Cats 2, on this past Saturday Night Live, but was only able to find the first one on YouTube. Once LC2 gets on there, i’ll post it too. Check It.

Thoughts? Douglas?

EDIT - It seems YouTube took the video down. Thanks for letting me know punks!

You can watch the video here

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