Daytime Driving Woes

I hate driving during the day. When I go into work at 3:30am there is virtually no one on the road. I hit 90mph (cuz im a badass) on the turnpike and the trip takes about 13 minutes. Now, the trip home at 3:00pm takes me nearly 40 minutes and it’s the same distance. The reason? People are F-ing idiots…Which leads me to a quick rant of some things I cannot stand about daytime driving:

• Going below 80 in the left lane on a major highway
• Waiting until the last minute to signal, thus trapping me behind you when I could have switched lanes.
• Not signaling at all.
• People who don’t make a right turn at a red light where it is allowed.
• People who ride your ass because you aren’t going fast enough when it’s really the car ahead of you that sucks at life.
• New York Drivers. I realllly don’t like them. Jersey drivers are a close 2nd.
• Old people doing 25mph on all roads.
• Cops who throw their lights on to go through an intersection. Assholes
• That moron who drives with their high beams on all the time. (Ok, so this would be Night time driving, but whatever.
• Those Mack trucks who drive side by side with each other so you cannot pass them. I swear they talk on the CB radios and F with me.
• Traffic lights that DON’T have the sensors. I have become spoiled and HATE waiting at an empty light.
• Old people.
• Small women in over sized SUVs

Ugh, I could keep going but I am sounding really bitter right now. I needed to get that out. Anyone else feeling my pain?

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Nickelodeon Hotties From The 90’s

Ahh the 90’s. What a great time to be a teenager. It was a period in my life where great change occurred. I went from “eww girls are gross” to “I wonder what she looks like naked”. These hormonal urgencies were fueled further courtesy of a certain TV station, Nickelodeon. I have decided to throw together an homage to the Nickelodeon hotties that got me through those awkward years of random bonerage and female exploration.

• Moe From GUTS - Sexy accent? Check. On a great show? Check. Banging Mike O’Malley during the commercial breaks? Check. I’m pretty sure Moe was the whole package.
• AYAOTD Blonde Girl - aka Rachel Blanchard. For some reason whenever I think of the Are You Afraid Of The Dark “storytellers”, this girl comes to mind. I had no idea what her name was, so I google’d “AYAOTD Blonde Girl” and found some interesting stuff. Apparently it’s the same girl that played Cher on the TV series Clueless. Talk about blossoming. I knew she was going to be hot, even at a young age. It’s all about the long term investments.
• Annie Mack - Apparently she has a real name of Meredith Bishop and is in some other stuff, but to me she will always be older sister Annie. Smart, Logical and SEXY!
• Jewel Staite - from the short lived series Space Cases. She always intrigued me (aka gave me a boner) as a kid. It must have been the hair…Check out the goods now. Dayummm.
• Melody From Hey Dude - Melody was a little before my time. I think I was still in the “girls have cooties” phase…oh wait, I might still be in that phase…Anyway, she was hot then and she is even more bangable now (She plays “Kate” in Dodgeball). Friggin’ Ben Stiller gets to hit that every night, that lucky SOB.
• Patty Mayonnaise - Probably one of the sexiest cartoon babes that wasn’t a Disney character. God it feels creepy typing that sentence. She was the yin to Doug’s yang and I hated him for it. Blonde hair, killer tan, incredible fashion sense…what guy could resist her????
• Melissa Joan Hart - Look at that picture? What teenage male wouldn’t be digging on Clarissa? Look at those hips. Her biggest downfall was that she seemed to be high maintenance…I mean making Sam use a ladder to get up there? Poor guy.
• Summer Sanders - Oh Summer, how I loved thee. You played with little kids who stupid talents like making fart noises with their armpits. But that stupid show didn’t stop me from developing an unhealthy obsession of one day possibly seeing you naked. I’m still waiting for photos to surface
• Amanda Bynes - I’ll admit. As a kid, Amanda Bynes was not only mediocre in appearance, but she was annoying as all hell. That skit “Ask Amanda” made me want to blow my brains out. Then the boobs popped out and little Amanda became the guilty pleasure of many men (who couldn’t talk about it until she turned 18… I meannnnnnn…). Plus she really is a very talented actress…She’s The Man, anyone?
• Larissa Oleynik - Alex Mack was the “It” girl of the early SNICK years. She was the total package: An arsenal of super powers, a nice rack and a certain disregard for authority. It’s a shame she fell off the face of the Earth after that one movie she did. Maybe she turned to porn? Wishful thinking I suppose…

So there you have it. 10 Nickelodeon hotties from the 90’s ranked and explained. I am sure some of you may disagree with the choices so please share your thoughts in the comments. Maybe there will be enough for a Part 2…

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10 Reasons Why I Hate Hipster Bars

This past weekend I had the privilege to spend my Saturday night at some hipster bar in Philly. It was a good time overall, but it made me realize why I’ll take the local hole in the wall over a popular place any day. Here are 10 reasons why:

(in no particular order)

10. Overpriced Drinks - Nothing like paying $5+ for a miller lite.
9. The no hat rule - I personally look good in a hat (ok not really). If the hat is worn straight and is in good shape, I think it should be allowed.
8. Covers - I don’t mind paying a cover so long as there is a drink special or a shitty band playing. Paying a cover just to get in is lame.
7. Inability to get a drink - Nothing is worse than waiting FOREVER to get a drink. Especially when you watch people at the other end of the bar walk up and get served right away.
6. Douchebags - This is probably the worst one. Apparently, it’s cool now to wear a slightly unbuttoned dress shirt with your bare chest exposed. Couple that with some slick Italian looking hair and a popped collar and you have yourself a bonified douchebag. And somehow, they seem to always get the girls…
5. Dancing - I don’t mind people dancing. Personally, it’s not for me unless I am in the right company. They should really designate a place for people to get down so I can stand on the edge and creepily stare at the girl on girl dancing =)
4. No Room - Being sandwiched between two strangers blows, especially when it’s two dudes.
3. Line to get in - A lot of places make you wait in a line to get in. Once inside you find that the place isn’t that packed and they just do it to look “exclusive”. Retarded.
2. Loud Music - Most people go to bars to socialize, I assume. It’s pretty tough when you can’t hear the person 1 foot away from you.
1. VIP areas - I guess they make people feel cool. I don’t get it.

Then again, there is usually more vagina than the local joint.

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10 Great Places To Find Attractive Women

(In no particular order)

1. Target - My hidden gem. Target never ceases to amaze me. I go in there looking for a new DVD and I find women all over the place. From my experiences, there are mainly trophy wives during the day who have the hubby’s credit card. Women be shopping!

2. A Hospital - Remember all of those nursing majors in college? Of course you don’t. That’s because they were always clinical or whatever nurses do. Most of them go unseen throughout their college career. Well let me tell you something….Hospitals are packed with 20something vaginals who are overworked and stressed out. Quite the perfect storm if you ask me.

3. Any Big Name Gym - This is an obvious one. Girls with great bodies generally have to work at it. Where at you ask? Duhhhhhh. Of course, it has to be a big name gym like Bally’s or LA Fitness. I used to go to a gym that was attached to a hospital and every woman there had already been through menopause, some twice. Go to a trendy gym, just after the work day and enjoy the ride.

4. College Library - Smart girls are hot. Unfortunately, they also avoid the library because they know real work doesn’t get done there (from my experiences at least). Generally, I have found college libraries full sorority-type girls who go there with intentions of studying, but end up talking with their hot sorority-type friends. Go there, pretend to read and stare away. Creepily, of course.

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Music That Makes ‘Em Say Uhhhhhh

(Uhhhhhh) Nah Nah Nah Nah.

Alright I am pretty tired of all the freaking Myspace survey bulletins that people always send out. It’s basically the same thing over and over again and girls never answer them honestly for fear of appearing slutty. SOOOO, I am doing my own version of a survey built around music. I did something like this in the past and it seemed to go over fairly well so awayyyyyy we goooooooo.

Basically, for each category you put a song. If there is a song that reminds you of that experience, put that down with an * after it. If not, put down the song you would WANT TO HEAR during that experience. Leave your lists in the comments. Easy Enough.

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Math Pickup Lines Get Me Laid

My buddy Donny sent me this the other day and it gave me a decent laugh. Not a big laugh, but a decent one. Anyway, check out this list of math geek pickup lines: http://home.uchicago.edu/~jswaters/math.html

My personal favs that I will be testing on my next night out are:

I would really like to bisect your angle.
Can I plug my solution into your equation?
Your face has perfect reflective symmetry.
Nice calculator. Wanna iterate?

I mean jesus. How can I NOT get laid using these bad boys. Stay tuned for results

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10 Killer Vehicles For Bumping Uglies

Getting it on in the car is a necessary skill for those who still live under their parent’s rule. Hell, it’s even a fun way to spice your sex life if you are looking to experiment. So without further ado, here are 10 killer vehicles to sex up…

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