The…Something…Speaks

Hi there.

I’m Clare.

You will not see my boobs.

What the hell am I talking about, give me enough tequila and you’ll totally see my boobs. I just had no way to start this post, because I’m generally bad at introducing myself, mostly because my reputation precedes me. I am responsible for the 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex (The article, not the mistakes themselves). My writing has been featured in FHM, thatsjustnotright.com, intelligenthumor.com, and at disgruntledworkforce.com. Among others.

If you go to Netscape.com, you can see a picture of my bright smiling face on the front page.

So what the hell am I doing here?

I have no idea. It looked like you needed a new token female, you know, besides Dan. I’m all for doing my friends favors. And charging them dirty pictures for them. I’m not a fan of the term “Token female” because I don’t like the implication that is attached to it. The women who come here can speak for themselves and certainly don’t need a “token anything” to do it. But I digress.

So, let’s get this show on the road.

Things You Shouldn’t Expect From Me:

1. Regular posts. I can’t even claim to be busy. I just go through phases. But if you ask, I will totally lie and claim that my personal life is insane.

2. Tact. I’m not sure what happened to me but I lost the ability to shut my mouth (ESPECIALLY when I should) sometime around college. I won’t apologize for this, as I only apologize when I am genuinely sorry, which happens about as often as Britney Spears wears underpants.

3. Feminazi bullshit. I shave my legs. Not always regularly, but I do. I work in a male dominated field. I love boys. I don’t need a parade because  I have ovaries. However, when I do have PMS, chances are I will post here and offend 98% of the audience. (Refer to item #2.)

4. I will not post about sex like I invented it. I am comfortable enough with myself to not post the more sensitive details of my life. Chances are the only time I will use the word “dildo” is when I’m talking about my ex boyfriend. And only because that’s what I call him.

Things You Should Expect From Me:

1. At some point, I will tell someone to fuck themselves. They will probably deserve it. But, this is Dan’s playground, thus I will eventually suck it up and try to behave. He’s only given me a few guidelines, which speaks volumes about the trust he’s placing in me. The other sites I write for handed me 15 or so pages of things I can’t say and do. (It never really stopped me but you have to give them props for trying).

2. Although I have a cooter, I tend to get along with men better than women. That being said, I am not angry really. I tried that angry, alterna chick thing. It made me look washed out and I felt like a tool. (It also spawned many a conversation between me and my family about how no, I am not gay, I am just full of fury and rage). I am alpha female on more than one male dominated website, and I don’t understand being angry at other women just for being there. I was a women’s studies minor in college, I got my fill of crazy bitches there.

3. I make fun of everyone. Everyone. Sometimes I write shit even I don’t believe. It’s one of those sacrifices you make for your craft, or some such shit.

4. I swear. A lot. Spare me the lecture on how smart people can communicate without using profanity. I’ve turned it into an artform.

5. I will share entirely too much information. The more it grosses people out, the more likely I am to do it. I really am like a 10 year old boy in a 25 year old female’s body.

6. I will get drunk and post. It will be ridiculous. Try not to make fun of me too much.

Anyway, I think that about covers it. I just wanted to make a quick “hi, this is the type of bitch I am” post before I drink myself to sleep.

In short: There’s a new token female, bitches.

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10 Things I Wish Women Would Work On In Bed

Inspired by a some bar talk amongst some buddies, I have compiled a list of things women need to work on in bed. You won’t find these tips in Cosmo ladies, so read carefully and be thankful the specific stories that inspired each item were not shared. They would haunt your dreams.

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10 Excuses To Avoid Jury Selection

A few weeks ago, I was forced to do the one civic duty that almost every registered voter dreads- jury duty. While sitting through 9 hours of hell, I learned many useful excuses to avoid being selected for an actual trial. Here are 10 ways to avoid being selected for a trial if you are called in for jury duty.

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10 Worst Comic-Based Movies

It seems that every studio in Hollywood is making a movie based on some comic book. You would think this a great idea with the success of movies such as Spiderman, Superman and Xmen. However, despite the success of some of the comic-based movies, there seem to be more and more bombs.

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Top 5 Intimidating Male American Gladiators

American Gladiators was one of those shows that shaped my childhood and who I am today - A fierce competitor. During my younger years, we would recreate the “Assault” challenge using nerf guns, balls and other toys as our weapons. Couches, pillow cushions and other household items served as our barriers and shields. Ahh good times.

Recently, I started watching some of the old shows and all I can say is that good God those gladiators are freaking huge. They had to be pumping steroids. Even as a grown man, I could never go one on one with those beasts.

That being said, I have compiled another top 5 list of the most intimidating Male American Gladiators. I separated the men from the women so that I can do a later blurb on the women.

The Top 5 Most Intimidating Male American Gladiators

(in no particular order)
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10 of the LAMEST Superpowers Ever

So I was reading a blurb on DoubleViking about a Top Ten Practical Superpowers and I felt inspired to do a “10 of the lamest superpowers ever” list.

10 of the Lamest Superpowers Ever

• Quill (porcupine guy from X-Men)
  So this guy has quills come out of his skin?! Talk about a killer power. In the X-Men 3 movie, the only way he can hurt someone is if he hugs them, then sticks sticks them with his “3 inch quills of death”. LAME.
• Angel (From X-Men, before he became Archangel)
  His power is the ability use his 8 foot wings and fly. I guarantee that any other person with superpowers (that isn’t on this list) could take this guy.
• Jubliee
  Jubilee can create explosive flashes of light and kinetic energy. In layman’s terms, she shoots firecrackers from her hands. It’s the equivalent of me walking around with roman candles, pointing them at people.
• Mati (Heart Kid from Captain Planet)
  Where to start with this kid…I guess we’ll go with the fact that his ring makes an awful farting noise. Sure it’d be cool to control animals, but any other power could pretty much take an animal. Plus I’m 84% sure he was gay. Somehow that affects his power in my mind…
• Aquaman
  While I am not totally familiar with Aquaman, my understanding is that he reigns supreme in the ocean. He can communicate and control underwater animals. I guess that is cool if you are ever in any underwater battles. Unfortunately, I have never seen a fight take place under water. Verdict: LAME.
• Robin - Boy Wonder
  I was hesitant to include him in a “superpower” list. I discussed it with a colleague who told me that his powers consists of killer acrobatics and witty one-liners. It would be a killer match up to see Robin Boy Wonder face off against Quill.
• Wonder Woman
  Another character that I vaguely understand. She flies an invisible plane and has a lasso of truth. I’m sure there is more to her, but a lasso of truth? I’m sold. Greatest superpower (or weapon I guess) ever.
• Marrow (X-Men)
  So this girl grows extra bones which break through her skin so she can break them off and use as weapons. Hell, I can snap my arm off and club someone over the head with it, but I wouldn’t consider that a superpower.
• Dazzler
  Dazzler has the ability to convert sound energy into light energy. Wow, sound energy into light energy?! Noooo way! Take that new Fallout Boy album use it to power a light bulb because let’s be honest…that’s all their music is worth anymore.
• Captain Planet
  This was a tough one mainly because Cap’t. Planet has some OK superpowers. I put him on the list mainly because of his weaknesses. If Captain Planet is exposed to toxic wastes, smog, acid rain and other pollutants, his powers are temporarily weakened, and he must return to the Earth to “recharge.” Cap’t. Planets mortal enemy SMOG. NOOOOOO!!!!! Not to mention the fact that it takes 5 kids to summon him.

So there you have it. Some of the lamest superpowers known to man. Who’d I miss?

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Top 5 Are You Afraid Of The Dark Episodes

Since I know you all LOVE my lists, I figured i’d do a top 5 of my favorite AYAOTD episodes. Plus this gives me an excuse to go back and watch them on DVD this sick, rainy day. Yeehaw!

Submitted for the approval of the midnight society I call this tale:

The Top 5 Are You Afraid Of The Dark Episodes
(Insert fire and gunpowder type explosion and mystical noise)

• 5. Tale of the Twisted Claw - This EP popped my AYAOTD cherry. I remember watching this sometime around Halloween, which made it even scarier. Every wish they made with the claw would turn out bad. I bet they won’t mess with that witch’s house next mischief night.
• 4. Tale of Jake and the Leprechaun - This one is lesser known it seems. The jist of this one was a kid was casted for this play and tricked into giving his life away. His character recites some words, which turns him into a frog. The other actor (who is really a warlock) then takes tries to take his life, but it thwarted by this leprechaun dude. It rocks.
• 3. Tale of the Phantom Cab - Dr. Vink (with a vuh vuh vuh) debuted in this one. They had to figure out the cab driver’s riddle in order to escape the car crash and the forest. Remember the riddle?: It’s weightless. It can bee seen by the nakd eye. When it’s put in a barrel, it makes it lighter?
• 2. Tale of Laughing in the Dark - Ok, no clown creeps me out more than Zeebo and his many cigars. This might be the scariest AYAOTD that they made. I don’t care how tough you think you are, no one should F with that clown’s nose.
• 1. Tale of the Pinball Wizard - My Favorite AYAOTD episode. I often fantasize about breaking into my local mall and recreating the show (sigh). It would be badass to be part of a pinball game in the mall where I couldn’t die, but not at end though, when the ball comes out. That shit looked scary. How bout when the kid pulls out the super soaker mini and zaps the king away. I didn’t see that one coming!

So there you have it. I know there are a ton more AYAOTD episodes worthy of making the TOP 5, but I went with these. If anyone wants to buy the show on DVD, I think you can find it on eBay, although I don’t know if its legal

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