Daytime Driving Woes

I hate driving during the day. When I go into work at 3:30am there is virtually no one on the road. I hit 90mph (cuz im a badass) on the turnpike and the trip takes about 13 minutes. Now, the trip home at 3:00pm takes me nearly 40 minutes and it’s the same distance. The reason? People are F-ing idiots…Which leads me to a quick rant of some things I cannot stand about daytime driving:

• Going below 80 in the left lane on a major highway
• Waiting until the last minute to signal, thus trapping me behind you when I could have switched lanes.
• Not signaling at all.
• People who don’t make a right turn at a red light where it is allowed.
• People who ride your ass because you aren’t going fast enough when it’s really the car ahead of you that sucks at life.
• New York Drivers. I realllly don’t like them. Jersey drivers are a close 2nd.
• Old people doing 25mph on all roads.
• Cops who throw their lights on to go through an intersection. Assholes
• That moron who drives with their high beams on all the time. (Ok, so this would be Night time driving, but whatever.
• Those Mack trucks who drive side by side with each other so you cannot pass them. I swear they talk on the CB radios and F with me.
• Traffic lights that DON’T have the sensors. I have become spoiled and HATE waiting at an empty light.
• Old people.
• Small women in over sized SUVs

Ugh, I could keep going but I am sounding really bitter right now. I needed to get that out. Anyone else feeling my pain?

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The…Something…Speaks

Hi there.

I’m Clare.

You will not see my boobs.

What the hell am I talking about, give me enough tequila and you’ll totally see my boobs. I just had no way to start this post, because I’m generally bad at introducing myself, mostly because my reputation precedes me. I am responsible for the 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex (The article, not the mistakes themselves). My writing has been featured in FHM, thatsjustnotright.com, intelligenthumor.com, and at disgruntledworkforce.com. Among others.

If you go to Netscape.com, you can see a picture of my bright smiling face on the front page.

So what the hell am I doing here?

I have no idea. It looked like you needed a new token female, you know, besides Dan. I’m all for doing my friends favors. And charging them dirty pictures for them. I’m not a fan of the term “Token female” because I don’t like the implication that is attached to it. The women who come here can speak for themselves and certainly don’t need a “token anything” to do it. But I digress.

So, let’s get this show on the road.

Things You Shouldn’t Expect From Me:

1. Regular posts. I can’t even claim to be busy. I just go through phases. But if you ask, I will totally lie and claim that my personal life is insane.

2. Tact. I’m not sure what happened to me but I lost the ability to shut my mouth (ESPECIALLY when I should) sometime around college. I won’t apologize for this, as I only apologize when I am genuinely sorry, which happens about as often as Britney Spears wears underpants.

3. Feminazi bullshit. I shave my legs. Not always regularly, but I do. I work in a male dominated field. I love boys. I don’t need a parade because  I have ovaries. However, when I do have PMS, chances are I will post here and offend 98% of the audience. (Refer to item #2.)

4. I will not post about sex like I invented it. I am comfortable enough with myself to not post the more sensitive details of my life. Chances are the only time I will use the word “dildo” is when I’m talking about my ex boyfriend. And only because that’s what I call him.

Things You Should Expect From Me:

1. At some point, I will tell someone to fuck themselves. They will probably deserve it. But, this is Dan’s playground, thus I will eventually suck it up and try to behave. He’s only given me a few guidelines, which speaks volumes about the trust he’s placing in me. The other sites I write for handed me 15 or so pages of things I can’t say and do. (It never really stopped me but you have to give them props for trying).

2. Although I have a cooter, I tend to get along with men better than women. That being said, I am not angry really. I tried that angry, alterna chick thing. It made me look washed out and I felt like a tool. (It also spawned many a conversation between me and my family about how no, I am not gay, I am just full of fury and rage). I am alpha female on more than one male dominated website, and I don’t understand being angry at other women just for being there. I was a women’s studies minor in college, I got my fill of crazy bitches there.

3. I make fun of everyone. Everyone. Sometimes I write shit even I don’t believe. It’s one of those sacrifices you make for your craft, or some such shit.

4. I swear. A lot. Spare me the lecture on how smart people can communicate without using profanity. I’ve turned it into an artform.

5. I will share entirely too much information. The more it grosses people out, the more likely I am to do it. I really am like a 10 year old boy in a 25 year old female’s body.

6. I will get drunk and post. It will be ridiculous. Try not to make fun of me too much.

Anyway, I think that about covers it. I just wanted to make a quick “hi, this is the type of bitch I am” post before I drink myself to sleep.

In short: There’s a new token female, bitches.

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Akon Is A No Talent Ass Clown

You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a…You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do?…

No but seriously, Akon is a piece of shit served cold.

A few weeks ago he pulled some 14 year old girl on stage at one of his shows. He got the girl in a missionary position and started humping her like my dog humps my leg. It was pretty graphic, to say the least. What a solid role model.

Today, I stumbled across a video (see below) of him trying to be a tough guy on stage.

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Why I Hate Celebrities Like Paris Hilton

I’ll admit it - I read celebrity blogs like WWTDD.com or TheSuperficial.com every now and again. While I hate the fact that people get filthy rich off of “Acting”, I still check the sites in hopes of seeing a nip slip or a new sex tape.

But there is one celebrity that really kills me and is always on the front page of these sites - Paris Hilton. She brings absolutely nothing to the table. She has never accomplished anything in her life (that I know of) and the only reason she survives in this world is because of her parents. I guess her “sex tape” helped too.

It kills me that people work their asses off for 60 hours a week to just get by and this bitch is born into more money than most people see in their lifetime. The fact that people actually take interest in her and her life makes me want to puke through my nose. The kind of puke that burns for hours afterwards. Yea.

It’s a twisted world we live in.

[ end rant ]

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When Is The Government TOO Involved?

I’ll preface this with a quick apology for those of you who are looking for a funny video or a quick read. I usually don’t write long, more serious stuff but business is slow today. Word.

So the Government passed a law in Philadelphia some time ago which prohibits people from smoking in common public places such as bars. Being a non-smoker, I love this law since I can still pass out on my kitchen floor and wake up the next morning with a solid hangover and cotton mouth, but now my clothes don’t reek of stale cigarettes. That’s the worst part of the next morning, smelling the smoke. Plus, when I pick up women at the bar, which is every weekend, their hair retains that desirable Pert Plus smell. It’s a win win.
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Ghost Ride Da Whip - People Are Morons

So there is this new thing rappers are doing these days called “Ghost Riding Da Whip”. If you haven’t seen it, you basically roll down the street in your car, get out and sit on the hood / roof while doing goofy ass rap dances or just sitting chill. Are teenagers really that dumb to try to mimic the moronic rappers? God I hope not.

Check out this video to get a feel of ghost riding the whip

(if you can’t see the video, click the empty white space)

I’m off to do some ghost riding on my whip, whatever that means.

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WWF Wrestling Has Died Along With A Piece Of Me

I’ll admit it. I used to be a HUGE World Wrestling Federation fan growing up. What kid didn’t love Hulk Hogan in his prime? Or the Legion Of Doom and their top buckle finishing move. I would jump off the couch onto my little brother as if I was part of the LOD team. Don’t get me started on The Bushwackers. They had the coolest wrestling intro of all time (the arm pumping around the ring…hell yea!). But all that has died along with a piece of my childhood…
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