I Hate Sales and It Hates Me Back.

Long involved story really really short: Work has been kicking the shit out of me, and despite my protests, hissyfits and other professional tools at my disposal, my job now involves Sales for the forseeable future. This does not make me a happy monkey, as I am quite possibly the shittiest sales person to walk the planet.

So, I’ve spent the majority of my days on the phone, and I can’t help myself from fucking with people. It’s amazing I still have a job.

Here’s how some of the conversations went.

“Me: Hi Tom this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tom: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Tom, it’s Clare again. You might want to get your phone checked out, it randomly disconnected and I thought you should know before someone accuses you of being unprofessional and hanging up on them!”

“Me: Hi Michael this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Michael: I don’t have time for this shit right now.
Me: I understand that. Is there a time later today that you would have time for my shit? I really have all day. ”

“Me: Hi Tony this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tony: I’m not interested.
Me: In what?
Tony: Whatever you’re selling.
Me: How do you know?
Tony: How do I know what?
Me: If you’re not interested in what I have to say when you haven’t given me the opportunity to say anything? Do you know the lottery numbers, too? ”

“Me: Hi Greg this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Greg: Bitch <Click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Greg. I just wanted to let you know what the proper ettiquite of getting someone off of the phone entails. Usually, it involves calling someone a derogatory name and then saying “Goodbye”, because that’s the polite thing to do. For example: You’re a self important asshole. Have a great day! <click>”

“Me: Hi Pablo this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Pablo: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Pablo, it looks like we got disconnected…
Pablo: No we didn’t. That was intentional. What the hell do you want?
Me: Oh, well then let me rephrase. Hi Pablo, it looks like you are incredibly rude and I am giving you a chance to redeem yoursel…
Pablo: <Click>”
“Me: Hi Sanjeev this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea how busy I am?
Me: No, sir I cant say that I do is there a better time I ca…
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea who I am?
Me: I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to.
Sanjeev: Do you know how many traders I am working with at the moment?!
Me: If I guess correctly do I get to keep them?
Sanjeev: <click>”

“Me: Hi Jordan this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Jordan: Not interested <click>
Me: <Calls back> Hi Jordan, I know that we got disconnected because I know a man of your cailber would never hang up on a sweet, 25 year old girl because that would just be rude.
Jordan: I…uh…
Me: Yea I get that a lot.”

“Me: Hi Dale this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Dale: You have 30 seconds of my time.
Me: Aren’t you going to count down or something?
Dale: What?
Me: Does this count for my 30 seconds, or are you going to count to three so I know when to start timing?
Dale: Are you fucking serious.
Me: Yes, I am.
Dale: I don’t have time for this.
Me: I understand that, you’re the one who wanted to play the lets time the girl on the phone game. Now if you had just been nice in the first place, this call would’ve taken half the time. Which is a completely inefficient use of your time considering that you really didn’t have to be so abrasive so you consciously chose to do something that would eat at your oh so precious time. So. As I see it, I have 30 seconds starting…now. Like I was saying…
Dale: Have you considered a career in trading? You’re kind of ruthless.”

“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Ron: Im busy, fuck yourself.
Me: Listen, mister. I am having kind of a day and believe you me if fucking myself was an option Id not be sitting here talking to you.
Ron: What?!
Me: I haven’t gotten any in a very long time and I don’t get paid enough to be told to fuck myself by someone like you so you are going to sit there and listen to every god damn word I have to say, do you understand?
Ron: Yes ma’am.”
“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Paul: Just email me the information, I don’t have time to talk to you.
Me: Great, that’s exactly what I was shooting for.
Paul:…..
Me: Truthfully, I’m a shitty sales person, I’m only doing it temporarily and I hate it. I just needed to tick someone off the list so it looks like I’ve actually done something productive. So you’ve totally made my day. Can I get your email?
Paul: After that, you can have as much of my time as you want.”

“Earl: WHAT?
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: <exasperated> What?!
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: I heard you, what?! <obviously wants to know what I want>
Me: HI THIS IS CLARE cal..
Earl: What?!
Me: <louder> HI THIS IS CLARE CAL…
Earl: <click>”

So, I still hate sales, but I have managed to keep myself pretty entertained for the time being.

We should start a BPBC betting pool: How long until Clare is escorted out of the building.

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The Perks Of Having Your Own Place

(my actual house in Levittown, PA)

I have been living in my house for the past 3 weeks and I am quickly learning that there are many perks that have long been forgotten since college. I figured I would share some of them with you all and maybe those who are teetering on moving out will make the jump!

• Nakedness - I can walk around my house naked whenever I want. I only have to be careful with I walk in front of the window, but in reality those housewives across the street would love to catch a glimpse. At least that’s what I tell myself.
• Sex - Ahh probably the biggest perk of having your own place. I get to have sex anywhere I want. On the kitchen table, on the couch, in the attic, out in the shed and of course, the bed. The sky’s the limit.

  (Now go back and re-read this section but replace the phrase “have sex” with “masturbate”. Sounds about right.)

• TV - Nothing is worse than coming home after a grueling day at work only to find your mom in tears, watching Oprah. Long gone are the days of the Hallmark Channel and Columbo reruns. Now I can watch (and record) whatever the hell I want and I don’t have to worry about people asking things like, “Who the F recorded High School Musical 2, the sing-a-long version?” (IT WAS ME OK!)
• Pooping With The Door Open - It’s incredible. No, it’s life changing. I can drop a bomb without having to shut the door OR turn on the exhaust fan. No one is going to “accidentally walk in” anymore and I won’t have to constantly hear “Jesus, what died in there Dan?”

  It’s the little things in life that make me smile.

• On Demand Porno - Let’s face it. Late night Cinemax was all the rage back in high school. Watching those “pornstars” get half naked and girate together with no actual “sex” going on…incredible. It was up to you to put it all together.
  
  Anyway, my dad had the black box that descrambled all of the channels so we had total access to everything. Now, I can easily watch those softcore classics “On Demand” and leave them in my saved programs folder without the worry of someone finding them. Christ, I probably have 6 in there right now…

So there you have just a few of the perks I have encountered so far and I am sure there will be more to come. Of course, there is also a bunch of pain-in-the-assery that goes along with having my own place that I will save for another time.

Peace y’all.

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I Was A Smoking Hot Chick For An Hour

I was at the gym the other night and a weird thing happened to me. For a brief hour, I knew what it felt like to be a smoking hot chick. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. Here is how it all went down…

I get to the gym, do my normal workout and end it with a run on the tredmill. Normally I just run outside, but it’s too damn cold out for that in the winter. So about 25 minutes into my run a steady stream of sweat starts through my shirt and my breaths become gasps. The gym is packed by this point leaving only two tredmills open and they happen to be on each side of me.

Read The Rest >>

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The Ultimate Male Mating Call

So I am constantly asked by my guy friends (aka Mike Malen) how I am so successful at picking up women who are clearly out of my league. While I don’t like to reveal my inner most secrets and techniques, I am afraid that I cannot hide my biggest weapon and longer.

You see, Tracy Morgan did an interview the other day and he was completely wasted. He decided it was a perfect time to give away my #1 move I use to pick up hot chicks at the bar- The Ultimate Mating Call…Watch the video around the 1:00 mark.

‘

If any female readers would like to see me slapping my belly, leave ‘em in the comments

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Someone Fry-Bagged Me

Yesterday I was out in the wearing the Mr. Twistee costume trying to drum up business from the road. Things were going well - I was doing some dances, waving and blowing sexy kisses to the girlies driving to Penn State Abington.

So there I am having a grand ole’ time and I see this red plumber’s van coming towards me. The door starts to open and I’m thinking “maybe is he gonna stop and say hi”. Next thing I know, the guy heaves a bag of french fries at me. WHAM! Smacks right in the head. A few missed me, but most of them were a direct hit.

Personally. I thought it was hilarious because I would probably do the same to Mr. Twistee if I was driving by, so I wasn’t that upset. Inside the store, the employees were laughing at me. That guy is lucky he didn’t stop or I would have kicked his ass, costume and all.

Good Times. Now back to work.

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