No idea who this is, but I like her. A Lot. Not too skinny. Face needs some work. I really have no reason to be this picky, but I am. Enjoy.
This weekend, a brilliant amazing thing happened.
At some point this weekend, be it between the shopping spree of epic proportions (and I do mean epic), the manicure, or the drinking myself into oblivion, I finally removed my head from my ass. Read The Rest >>
Ladies, this should be your Halloween costume. In fact, if UPS made all of their attractive female employees wear this uniform, I would agree to never use FedEx again. That’s do-able, right?
I came across this picture on EgyGuy and I could not believe my eyes. Here are the before and after shots of 9 women who had a 12 hour makeover. The results would “ooooh” and “ahhh” even Oprah and her zombie minded audience. These women look NOTHING like they did - so much that I almost don’t believe it is legit. But then again, it’s on the Internet so it’s gotta to be true.
Click the image for a bigger one.
Honestly though, looks don’t really matter because all women are beautiful on the inside, right?
Between the blindfolded lady in Halftime Show Hilarity and this article I have boobs on the brain. Okay, so I usually do anyway.
A recent study looking at the range of movement in a woman’s breast during exercise showed that boobs could bounce as much as 8 inches up and down.
8 inches! If my penis moved that much when I exercised I wouldn’t ever exceed a slow walk for the rest of my life.
According to the study “The overall pattern of the movement resembled a figure-8.”
My hat’s off to any of you ladies who can put up with that kind of action. Thank god my man boobs are small.
I heard on the radio today that Jenna Fischer recently separated from her husband. Man did that put a smile on my face…does that make me a bad person?
There is still hope that she will randomly stroll into my store and instantly fall in love at the sight of me pouring sweat with dough all over my fingers like I just blew a load on my hands. What girl can resist that image? Pure sexy.
::Sigh:: I live a sad, sad life.
Hi there.
I’m Clare.
You will not see my boobs.
What the hell am I talking about, give me enough tequila and you’ll totally see my boobs. I just had no way to start this post, because I’m generally bad at introducing myself, mostly because my reputation precedes me. I am responsible for the 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex (The article, not the mistakes themselves). My writing has been featured in FHM, thatsjustnotright.com, intelligenthumor.com, and at disgruntledworkforce.com. Among others.
If you go to Netscape.com, you can see a picture of my bright smiling face on the front page.
So what the hell am I doing here?
I have no idea. It looked like you needed a new token female, you know, besides Dan. I’m all for doing my friends favors. And charging them dirty pictures for them. I’m not a fan of the term “Token female” because I don’t like the implication that is attached to it. The women who come here can speak for themselves and certainly don’t need a “token anything” to do it. But I digress.
So, let’s get this show on the road.
Things You Shouldn’t Expect From Me:
1. Regular posts. I can’t even claim to be busy. I just go through phases. But if you ask, I will totally lie and claim that my personal life is insane.
2. Tact. I’m not sure what happened to me but I lost the ability to shut my mouth (ESPECIALLY when I should) sometime around college. I won’t apologize for this, as I only apologize when I am genuinely sorry, which happens about as often as Britney Spears wears underpants.
3. Feminazi bullshit. I shave my legs. Not always regularly, but I do. I work in a male dominated field. I love boys. I don’t need a parade because I have ovaries. However, when I do have PMS, chances are I will post here and offend 98% of the audience. (Refer to item #2.)
4. I will not post about sex like I invented it. I am comfortable enough with myself to not post the more sensitive details of my life. Chances are the only time I will use the word “dildo” is when I’m talking about my ex boyfriend. And only because that’s what I call him.
Things You Should Expect From Me:
1. At some point, I will tell someone to fuck themselves. They will probably deserve it. But, this is Dan’s playground, thus I will eventually suck it up and try to behave. He’s only given me a few guidelines, which speaks volumes about the trust he’s placing in me. The other sites I write for handed me 15 or so pages of things I can’t say and do. (It never really stopped me but you have to give them props for trying).
2. Although I have a cooter, I tend to get along with men better than women. That being said, I am not angry really. I tried that angry, alterna chick thing. It made me look washed out and I felt like a tool. (It also spawned many a conversation between me and my family about how no, I am not gay, I am just full of fury and rage). I am alpha female on more than one male dominated website, and I don’t understand being angry at other women just for being there. I was a women’s studies minor in college, I got my fill of crazy bitches there.
3. I make fun of everyone. Everyone. Sometimes I write shit even I don’t believe. It’s one of those sacrifices you make for your craft, or some such shit.
4. I swear. A lot. Spare me the lecture on how smart people can communicate without using profanity. I’ve turned it into an artform.
5. I will share entirely too much information. The more it grosses people out, the more likely I am to do it. I really am like a 10 year old boy in a 25 year old female’s body.
6. I will get drunk and post. It will be ridiculous. Try not to make fun of me too much.
Anyway, I think that about covers it. I just wanted to make a quick “hi, this is the type of bitch I am” post before I drink myself to sleep.
In short: There’s a new token female, bitches.
