The Perks Of Having Your Own Place

(my actual house in Levittown, PA)

I have been living in my house for the past 3 weeks and I am quickly learning that there are many perks that have long been forgotten since college. I figured I would share some of them with you all and maybe those who are teetering on moving out will make the jump!

• Nakedness - I can walk around my house naked whenever I want. I only have to be careful with I walk in front of the window, but in reality those housewives across the street would love to catch a glimpse. At least that’s what I tell myself.
• Sex - Ahh probably the biggest perk of having your own place. I get to have sex anywhere I want. On the kitchen table, on the couch, in the attic, out in the shed and of course, the bed. The sky’s the limit.

  (Now go back and re-read this section but replace the phrase “have sex” with “masturbate”. Sounds about right.)

• TV - Nothing is worse than coming home after a grueling day at work only to find your mom in tears, watching Oprah. Long gone are the days of the Hallmark Channel and Columbo reruns. Now I can watch (and record) whatever the hell I want and I don’t have to worry about people asking things like, “Who the F recorded High School Musical 2, the sing-a-long version?” (IT WAS ME OK!)
• Pooping With The Door Open - It’s incredible. No, it’s life changing. I can drop a bomb without having to shut the door OR turn on the exhaust fan. No one is going to “accidentally walk in” anymore and I won’t have to constantly hear “Jesus, what died in there Dan?”

  It’s the little things in life that make me smile.

• On Demand Porno - Let’s face it. Late night Cinemax was all the rage back in high school. Watching those “pornstars” get half naked and girate together with no actual “sex” going on…incredible. It was up to you to put it all together.
  
  Anyway, my dad had the black box that descrambled all of the channels so we had total access to everything. Now, I can easily watch those softcore classics “On Demand” and leave them in my saved programs folder without the worry of someone finding them. Christ, I probably have 6 in there right now…

So there you have just a few of the perks I have encountered so far and I am sure there will be more to come. Of course, there is also a bunch of pain-in-the-assery that goes along with having my own place that I will save for another time.

Peace y’all.

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Vagina Monster Movie Aptly Named “Teeth”

From the movie’s IMDB Page:

“Still a stranger to her own body, a high school student discovers she has a physical advantage when she becomes the object of male violence. Her Vagina has TEETH!”

Hrmm, a vagina that eats people. I’d say it’s a stretch…

“I’ll tell you this, it’s either gonna be genius or it’s gonna f*ckin suck. Until I see the first cut I have no idea and you know what? Neither does anybody else” (name that quote)

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I Was A Smoking Hot Chick For An Hour

I was at the gym the other night and a weird thing happened to me. For a brief hour, I knew what it felt like to be a smoking hot chick. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. Here is how it all went down…

I get to the gym, do my normal workout and end it with a run on the tredmill. Normally I just run outside, but it’s too damn cold out for that in the winter. So about 25 minutes into my run a steady stream of sweat starts through my shirt and my breaths become gasps. The gym is packed by this point leaving only two tredmills open and they happen to be on each side of me.

Read The Rest >>

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Woman Has 200 Orgasms A Day - Might Be A Superhero

So it seems that this woman literally orgasms at the touch of any little vibration or movement. At first I thought there is no F’ing way because I am usually the only person in the world that can do that to a girl, but after reading the article the story seems to check out.

SARAH Carmen, 24, says the Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome that she suffers from can cause her to have orgasm at any time of day.

A girl that orgasms that many times in a day would be the perfect girl in my opinion because, well hey, it makes the guys job that much easier. At the same time, I’m a bit jealous of her super power. It is almost like she is some sort of xmen doesn’t know it. Damn that’s hot.

The only downside is the amount of underwear she must go through each day. I’d say at least 15 pair. I only go through about 3 pair a week and have a tough time keeping up with laundry, so I have no idea how she pulls it off.

Anyway, Kudos to you, Orgasmite (her Xmen name)

Source

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Wedgie Proof Underwear??

I found this gem on Cameltap. While I never really needed these during my years at school, I bet some kids could find this useful. Crazy child entrepreneurs.

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Kid’s Gettin High Off Of Jenkem (Made From Human Waste!)

So it seems kids out there have found a new way to get high - a drug called Jenkem. I saw this report over on the smoking gun. Basically, you crap in a jar and put a balloon over the mouth piece. You put the jar out in the sun for a few hours and the gas that comes off the poop is caught in the balloon. You then inhale the fumes and VOILA! Let the good times roll…I guess.

Check out the image for more details.

So let me get this straight. Kids are basically inhaling their feces. Why not just poop in a cup and eat it? According to the report, the taste can last in your mouth for days?! Are you kidding me? Shitbreath for a few days? No Thanks.

I wonder who the first person was to think “Hrrmm, maybe if I breath in my own crap, I might see wacky stuff”.

I’ll stick to booze for my jollies.

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Deer Found Swimming 1.5 Miles Offshore

From The Maryland Gazette:

The catching was slow and they looked back to check their lines. They saw what appeared to be a seal with its snout out of the water, but they didn’t think any seals were around their fishing grounds and they kept watching.

Soon they realized it was a deer trying desperately to keep afloat — and obviously losing the battle. Fearing the whitetail would get snagged in their lines they cranked in their rigs. Then the deer headed straight for the boat possibly thinking it was a spit of land.

But as it got closer and saw the two fishermen aboard, it had second thoughts. With its nose barely out of the water, it appeared to have been swimming all night, said Campbell. “Since the fish weren’t biting, we thought we’d give it a hand. Bo grew up around cows, was really handy with a bow line and lasooed the deer on the first attempt.”

They got it close, Bo grabbed the neck, Chad got a good hold on a flank and “we barreled over backwards to the deck — and before we knew it, Bo was on top of the buck in velvet and had him hog tied like a calf.”

Chad, said they feared the deer was going to “kick the hell out of us in a 22-foot center console boat,” but they were lucky, it was too exhausted to resist, “We hit the gas and ran him to the closest beach, Kent Point, where I beached the boat and we carefully unloaded our catch on the sand. We untied him and jumped back.

“Too weak to stand, he just sat there quivering. We picked him up again and put his feet underneath him, but he still couldn’t walk or stand. We left him sitting there looking at us. Before we left, I looked him in the eye and said ‘See you on opening day; payback time.’

“We don’t know whether he made it or not, but we do know his chances were vastly improved for survival than when we first saw him.”

Source: Burton, Bill. “Oh Deer, What a Fishing Expedition on Bay.”
Maryland Gazette; June 13th, 2007.

Crazy Shit.

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