It’s finally the holiday season! Which means one thing, without fail.
I know what you’re thinking. Turkey! Stuffing! Presents! Yuletide! Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade! Christmas Morning!
Well, as usual, you’re wrong.
It means that every person I have ever dated will, without fail, call me on either Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s. It’s like they all pencil it into their schedule’s or something. Traditionally, I write a guide on surviving the holidays every year. This one, well, this one has a little bit of a different bent to it.
I give you:
Clare’s Guide To Being A Good Ex During The Holidays
1. If you dumped your significant other on a holiday, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, call them on this holiday because “You miss them”. It’s bad enough that you have forever stained this holiday with your shit, you don’t have to put it in a bag, light it on fire and put it on their front porch, too.
2. Don’t buy them anything. Seriously. Anything you give them for Christmas sends one message and one message only. That message is “I want to get back with you”. I am not kidding. You might think that putting a horse head in her bed on Christmas sends her the right message, what she will see is “Oh my gosh! He knows how much I love the Godfather trilogy (fine. The first two.) and this is his way of apologizing!” Next thing you know, you’re engaged to be married to someone you haven’t seen in the past 8 months.
3. Already bought them the gift? Punch yourself in the gonads. No really, go ahead. I’ll wait. Done? Good. Do not, I repeat, Do not, give it to your ex and state that it made you think of them. No good will come from it. This rips the stitches, and on a holiday that’s the worst thing you could do, especially if they are still single. After all, YOU are the reason they are alone on the holiday. The one and only exception to this rule is if you are my ex, and happen to have big ass diamond earrings or an authentic Louis Vuitton purse that made you think of me. In which case, I am completely fine with being a hypocrite but you can still go fuck yourself.
4. Holiday cards are off-limits as well. Especially if you are one of those who throws in the ‘holiday letter’. The only way that will possibly be entertaining to someone that you’ve dumped is if the holiday letter consists of at least 2 of the following list:
- Your new girlfriend has gained no less than enough to make her 67 pounds (or more) heavier than your ex
- You have a terminal illness
- You got fired for looking at animal porn
- You’re on your 4th therapist since the breakup because they can’t stand to hear the name of your ex anymore
- You have gained at least 40 pounds
- You have moved back into your mother’s basement
- You now have a mullet and/or are missing more than a few teeth
- You have made the local paper for doing something incredibly stupid (be sure to enclose the article)
5.If the break is fresh, December-January 15th is completely off-limits for returning anything you might have “accidentally kept, you know, in case I needed an easy in to see them when I realized what a horrible, horrible mistake I’ve made”.
6. You are not allowed to ask any mutual friends who still talk to you how your ex is doing. Let me solve this little riddle for you, Corky. They are miserable and are talking to their practitioner about increasing their Zoloft. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? Well guys. Truth is, she’s probably blissfully happy with her new boyfriend. He’s probably named Chas, he’s never tracked mud across the carpet and his gifts tend to come in “princess cut”. Ladies? Her name is Candy, she’s a size 2 and can suck a golfball through a garden hose. And she’s blonde. Got that out of your system? Thought so.
7. If you are trying to be friends, more power to you. Even if you have decided there is no way in fucking hell it will ever work, you can’t change the status quo until sometime after Valentine’s Day. You did it to yourself, that’s what you get for trying to have your cake and eat it too, ass.
8. Do not call on New Years. They are busy seeing Chas/Candy’s best…assets. (If you happen to be my ex, yes, he IS bigger than you. And he can breathe out of his ears. And he’s rich. )
Now if you’ll excuse me…Chas is waiting. Leave the earrings in the Louis Vuitton, I’ll get it later.
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i would love to be your ex ..
Id break you and you know it.
OMG you got it to post!! Way to break the site lady…good shit. Thankfully I don’t have any ex’s. Write one about how to get laid during the holiday’s =)
Dude! The first few times i tried, It TOTALLY fucked up the site.
Even my friend The Suit was like “I dont know what you did but that cant be good”
Dan - For your holiday jollies…1(800)-OAKFORD.