Alright…I’d like to think my last article posted had an effect on people. Possibly to the tune of wasting your employers’ money, but whatever. It’s not my money - so why should I care? Either way, when I get drunk, ideas pop into my head, so every now and then I’ll write them down. Here’s another one for you…it’s called:
Mr. P’s Guide on How to Out-Smart Women
Hope you enjoy it. Now, as always, my little disclaimer. I am not an expert. Hell, I am in my first long term relationship as we speak. BUT, I have grown up with three sisters, no brothers - so I’d like to think my opinion matters more than the typical guy’s. I have that experience factor to the internal thinking of women, and I’ll tell you, it ain’t pretty. But I like to help out people whenever I can, so here we go. No list this time, but paragraphs separated in the category of the importance….
Patience Is A Virtue
So, something your girlfriend did upset you. Maybe something popped up at the last minute and she decided to hang out with “the girls” tonight while you cleared your schedule and are ready to play the naked version of the slap and tickle.
Don’t say a word.
I know women tend to just spew crazy all over everybody if they are upset and it makes their boyfriends pay attention, but you should NEVER do that. Do you want to be grouped into the same category as women? Hell no.
They at least have their periods to fall back on as a proper excuse. Guys can’t do that. Just schedule a last minute “drink-till-you-puke” night with your buds, or, if they’re not around…just purchase the closest bottle of Johnny Walker Red and enjoy some alone time while watching your favorite movie.
Remember: You never threw up if no one is around to see it, and it technically does not break your non-puking streak.
Schedule Guy’s Nights Out
Much like the aformentioned “Girls Night Out” that turned you into a toilet-hugging hippie above, this is a planned night of debauchery that you let your girlfriend know well in advance. That way, she can stay away and not witness how disgusting you can actually be under the influence of alcohol, and still want to sleep with you at a later point in time.
MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT CALL HER!
That is a key that must remain guarded with the upmost importance. If you do not trust yourself, leave your phone at your apartment. Any phone conversation that you have with her that night, or even worst - God forbid - a voice mail, will be held against you. Text messaging is okay, as long as you can still manage to proof-read the message before sending and as long as it’s vague and giving her compliments.
Once again, just leave your cell at your apartment…it’ll make the night (and the morning after) a whole lot easier. It’s not like you’re cheating on her anyway - whiskey dick ain’t gonna let you.
Remember Stuff
Try to remember at least two different instances in which she chose her friends over you. Hell, write them down on your hand if you have to…but that might take the sting out of them. Commit them to memory by repeating them over and over again until you don’t forget. Sure this strategy is a bit woman-y, but it will save your hide.
These mantras are for those moments that you fucked up, and she’s not going to let you off that easy. Fit them into your argument non-chalantly, as if it just appeared to you out of the blue. Using the example from above, say “Well honey, I do realize that I shouldn’t have gone to the strip club with the guys on our anniversary, but just like that time when you went out with Kristin because of her breakup, I realized that I needed to spend time with my friends tonight so I could spend more time with you later.” Which brings us to our next point…
Remember Names
It doesn’t matter who your girlfriend hangs out with when you’re not there, or who’s sister’s ex’s boyfriend Mike thinks is a deuchebag. What matters is for you to remember at least two of your girlfriend’s SINGLE friends’ names so you can reference them at a later point in time. I know it’s shady, but shady tactics are needed from time to time to keep you out of the doghouse and into the poonanny.
No matter what, at some point in time, your girlfriend will blow you off because one of her single friends just broke up/had a bad date/encountered a scary spider in her bathroom without a boyfriend to kill it - and she will ditch you to be there in her friends’ time of need. Remember that name. That name will be your ticket to freedom of guilt, and many turns at some remorse-filled pussy.
Well, that is pretty much all I have at the moment…but with women, the learning curve never ends. I’m sure I will update some more lessons in the future, but for now these few should be enough to keep every guy in a suspended point of bliss and their women happy as well. Hope you enjoyed it!
Ever in arms,
Mr. P.
Check Out:
• All Women Are Beautiful On The Inside…• Advertise On BigPlansBigCrash.com
• 10 Great Places To Find Attractive Women
I’m not in any kind of relationship, but being friends with guys who are in deep, scheduling a guy’s night out is CRUCIAL. Stellar Article.