So, once again, I am feeling generous to all males out in the cyberworld who are searching for ways to attract members of the opposite sex. I figured I’m qualified to give legitimate advice in this area because…well, it’s worked for me a couple of times, so it’s got to be good. Right? Anyway, for your enjoyment:
Preparation
So, the goal of the night is to have a woman close to you at the end of it. It only makes sense that you want to smell good when she is. So take a shower, wear clean clothes, the whole nine yards. Act like you just spent the day boozing and smoking in your friend’s basement for the past few hours and now you are going to have dinner with your saint of a grandmother. Now pay attention…after becoming “Grandmother clean” you are going to apply a cologne to help attract the ladies’ smell holes. DO NOT USE AXE. Trust me on this one. Although if you are in a college town, have at whatever scent you want to use…it really doesn’t matter. Post college, Axe is the ultimate magnet to attracting older ladies. I shit you not. After thorough research and many moral dilemmas, I switched over to Tag and have been much happier as a result. I can’t even begin to explain it. Hell, I can’t even tell the difference between the two of them. All I know is unless you want some drunken 35+ year olds blatently hitting on your man parts, stay away from Axe.
Fashion
I wasn’t originally going to include a paragraph regarding this, thinking that most people know how to sensibly dress. But recent observations during a night out proved differently. If you are one of “those guys” that wears the popped collar, trucker hat, upside-down visor, pink shirt, arm band, gel your hair straight up, etc. Stop it. You’re a tool. You are just going to have to face the facts, and realize the cover of Abercrombie and Fitch might not be the best place to figure out what you’re going to wear for tonight. Just dress sensible, and comfortable. You’ll be more happy not trying to impress anybody, and much more happy with your own sense of self.
Initiation
Okay, so you’ve got the scent and the clothes on and are ready to prowl. Well, don’t. Only creepy guys stay sober and “prowl.” Instead, walk up to the bar and begin to drink heavily. Drunk guys aren’t creepy, they just don’t know any better. Catch that girl’s eye in the corner? Give her a wink or a smile in between your shots of Jager and ignore her for an hour or so. By that time, your confidence should be pretty high and you should be as smooth as James Bond.
Next step: Originality is key. One of my favorite pick-up lines comes from Seinfeld in which Jerry walks up to a girl and says, “You may not know this from looking at me, but I can run really, really fast.” If the girl smiles, she’s yours for the taking. Now in some cases, the girl may not appreciate the sudden awesomeness of language coming at them…but you know what? Fuck them. They don’t get you and you’re better off without them cluttering up your cell phone. Bitches.
Some of my favorites from my personal experiences:
My roommate: “Beer, huh?” (attempting to talk to a breathtakingly beautiful girl at a keg party while she was filling up her cup)
Me: “So, do you like the Sandlot?”
Girl: “Uh, yea-”
Me: “Of course you do! It was a rhetorical question! EVERYBODY LOVES THE SANDLOT!”
Me: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Madison”
Me: “Fuck that! I’m going to call you Wisconsin Dells for the rest of the night. It’s way better!”
Me: “Hey you! Stay there! I’m coming down to talk to you!”
Girl: “…Okay!”
Ironically enough, the ones that worked were the ones in which the girl was drinking as well. I guess sober girls don’t appreciate a good conversation starter. Which leads me to my next point:
Inebriation
So now that you’ve struck up a conversation with the girl of the night, you need to find something that you have in common. A love of tequila? Jager? Body shots? While you don’t want to be forceful about making them drink, by offering to buy them shots first, you at least get a guarantee that you’ll get them something alcoholic. If she refuses to do a shot with you, just say, “Well, at least let me get you another margarita then.” It’s a win win if you can just pull that off for the next hour or so. Also, let the girl talk about herself as much as possible and keep as much eye contact as you can. You don’t really have to listen to what she’s saying, but it will make her feel special and important. Such questions as “What do you do?” or “Do you come here often?” should be enough to get her going, then you can just add in more questions, comments, or grunts as she carries the conversation.
Consumation
Now this is the hard part. Women are a tricky breed, so you must tread lightly so you don’t scare her off at the end of the night. Invite her over for some drinking games, board games, “He Got Game,” anything to get her to your place, or even better, her place. If her friends want to come with, let them…you’ve just went into overtime and can put your full efforts into “locking it up.” The main point is you want to get her somewhere there are bedrooms, and not puke covered stalls. Unless she’s into that.
Bottom line, there are some factors that can’t be taught/predicted. Such as her intoxication level, you’re ability to keep eye contact after a couple of tequila shots, and her friends being ferocious cock blockers. But remember to get a phone number! That way you can call, meet up with her, and not be starting from square one. Good luck to all of you guys out there…you’ll need it.
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• The Ultimate Male Mating Call
I told a girl last weekend that her name reminded me of a porn star (her name was Lacey). She was taken back and didn’t like it. Go figure. Her response was “You mean my name is unique?”.
It was downhill from there.
Needless to say I was pretty blitzed.
I love the line “Drunk guys aren’t creepy, they just don’t know any better”.
Justifies all of my actions…
You know, I came here scoping out a freelance writing ad to invite a woman to join in blogging at this site…
As a thirty-something woman, Axe and Tag are TURN-OFFS. It simply means the man is too cheap to buy some real cologne. The right cologne can seal a deal for a woman. The ads are deceiving you men. Another issue, less is more. Years ago (I’m happily married now) my high school boyfriend thought that using Polo as an aftershave was a great idea. I’m not kidding when I say that you could walk down a hallway and smell him from another hallway. That was a running joke with all of my female friends, and it took me months to convince him that a dab was all that was necessary.
I’m sure you men have had the female co-worker who drowns herself in some flowery perfume that makes you gag. The same is true for men and their overuse of colognes. Stick to quality and use only a little! We like that much better.
Thanks for the comments, Ann and Dan. As for the Tag comment, I’ve learned that lesson through my girlfriend. Now I will typically use a Tag spray for weekdays/non casual events and cologne for nicer events. I don’t remember the name of the cologne I got, I just remember my girl half mugging me in the store after I test sprayed it…that was a good enough reason to buy it for me!
It sounds cheesy, but I’m going to go all out here.
If you can find it, my husband tried a tester of a cologne once that had me wanting to go home urgently. I have to hang my head a bit here to say it was by Orange County Choppers - why they make cologne is beyond me - but the cologne itself (Full Throttle) is something else. They stopped selling it in this area, so I have to buy it for him online now. My friends all agree, something about that scent is a major turn-on.
There’s a hint from the ladies.
I just can’t help it. Sorry
“OCC cologne will get the ladies to take a ride on your crotch rocket”