Mr. P.’s Random Thoughts and Playoff Races…

- I find that the Braves’ moves before the trade deadline only increases my hatred of Chipper Jones. If the “Tomahawk Chop” comes back into play this season, I will try to get a lawsuit against the team. You mean to tell me that Illinois can’t have a chief run around the basketball court but encouraging “scalping” is fine? Fuck that, and fuck Chipper.

- I think “natural” peanut butter should come with a warning label. While the peanut butter is better for you, (it is just made from peanuts and salt instead of all the other random ingredients) it also has a layer of oil at the top of it to mix in. This is dangerous. I wanted to try it out, so I bought a jar yesterday to use on my lunch. And I had to walk around the entire afternoon yesterday with a large light brown stain on my shirt. Try explaining that to your coworkers. Not cool.

- I love baseball. I love homeruns. But the combination of home runs and Barry Bonds makes me sick. I just wish his head would inflate a little more, so he could just float away and not bother us again.

- I live in Chicago. The Cubs are in first place. I am a Cardinals fan. Oy Ve!

- I find that even though I’m not Jewish, sometimes “Oy Ve!” justs sums up my frustrations perfectly.

- The Chicago media is currently making fun of Lou Piniella for incorrectly saying the word “massage” and pronouncing the “g” hard. The CHI-”CAW”-GO media. Making fun of people for mispronounciation. Doesn’t that just seem wrong to anyone else?

- The Cardinals picked up Red Sox bullpen relief Joel Pineiro before the trade deadline. They are making him a starting pitcher again. Haven’t we had enough of our bullpen guys become starting pitchers? My belief is the next start will be by Jason Isringhausen (our closer) soon.

- On the radio this morning, I heard a commercial from OnStar that has a service that will automatically call the service any time your airbag is deployed. Now I know that in a car
accident, time is of essence, but I can see some faults with this theory…

OnStar: “Hello, this is OnStar, your airbag has been deployed, shall we send an ambulance?”
Guy: “What the…oh, right. Uh…no. I just…listen, man. Can we just keep the cops out of this? Look. I realize I’m in a ditch and my airbag went off, but…”
OnStar: “Shall we send police assistance?”
Guy: “Listen…listen. The last thing we need is cops. Look. I’ll just leave the car here and sleep this off and pick it up tomorrow…cool?”
OnStar: “If you are injured, we should call the paramedics.”
Guy: “Damn it, man! Come on! I can’t get another DUI! Just help me out here!”
OnStar: “The authorities have been notified, I’ll stay with you until they show up.”
Guy: “I hate you, OnStar.”

I mean, the possiblilities are endless. Whether you just smoked a fattie and hit the curb, or you just did a beer bong, flipped the bird to a pedestrian, and they hit your car’s front bumper just hard enough…as soon as that airbag is deployed, you’re fucked. I imagine OnStar only hires the biggest of bitches as operators that would love to make sure you get yours. It just ain’t right. Oy Ve!

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