Open Letter to Jason Lee

Dear Mr. Lee,

It has been many years, more than I can even recall, that I discovered you. Not in the same sense as Kevin Smith might claim, but more so in the sense that I loved you in “Mallrats.” At the beginning of our “relationship”, it was simply wonderful. We were truly in bliss. You made me laugh in “Chasing Amy” with your little clap session in the lesbian bar, you made me ponder my religion in “Dogma,” you made me appreciate great music in “Almost Famous.” It was a happy time in which we didn’t have a care in the world because kicking ass was your business, and business was good.

We started to really get used to each other after that. You had your little moments in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” and “Jersey Girl” which weren’t particularly strong movies, but I realized at the beginning that you had a history with Kevin Smith, and I admired the fact that your loyalties ran so deep. You still managed to grow as and actor with “Vanilla Sky” and regress with “Stealing Harvard” - but that was just a silly little mistake. We were still good, still strong. I was sure nothing could disrupt us.

Then came your “incredible” role in “The Incredibles.” With your passion for comic books from “Mallrats” coupled with the character you voiced, it was like seeing you come full circle. You had taken your humble beginnings, explored different roles as an actor, and had finally returned to your roots. I was so proud. With “Clerks II” on the horizon and “My Name Is Earl” on the way, there was no doubt in my mind that a tirade comparable to that of Brody was sure to steal my heart again.

But then we hit a rough patch. It was just a silly little thing. “My Name Is Earl” began to grown tiresome and boring. It seemed every week the item you would cross off took more effort and time for something that normal people could of done in 5 minutes. I needed more from you! More from the script. It just wasn’t going as well as I had hoped. Something needed to be done. And together, we got through it. The episodes began getting better towards the end of the season and the finale was shocking and wonderful. You really do care! Just when I had one foot out the door on us, you silly rascal dragged me back in. It seemed like all was right again.

All was well with us once more. I began looking forward to seeing you again, wondering when the new season was going to start. Then came last night. I heard you. It was horrible. I saw the preview of “Underdog.” Apparently other people had already known about it before me. I can see what you like about it. The comic book allure has always been your weakness, but at least wait to read the script before signing on to a comic movie! Look what it did to Eric Bana! In a time of every comic book character getting their own movie, Underdog should not be touched. Especially with CGI bullshit and especially not by Disney. I couldn’t bear to watch most of it, but when I saw Underdog steal donuts from some cops I died a little inside. My foundations were shaken. It would never be the same.

That was before today. Today I witnessed an even worse occurence. Yes, I saw it. A poster for the movie “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” With you on it. How could you? A mediocre television cartoon with real people and CGI chipmunks. Don’t you realize what this means? We’re over. I can’t even look at you the same way anymore. Every time I see “Dogma” on Comedy Central I will just picture you in that cheap whore of a movie’s poster, grinning smuggly. Didn’t I, the typical fan, even mean anything to you? Was it something I did? Why the fuck are the chipmunks gangsters? You’re dead to me. May God (Alanis Morisette) have mercy on your soul.

Rest In Peace,

Mr. P.

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