F*ck, Marry, Kill - Spice Girls

So with all the Spice Girl Tour gayness finally dying down, I think it’s a good time to put 3 of the hoebags to the FMK test. The hard part is picking which 3 since they all kinda blow, but we’ll go with Posh Spice aka Balloon Tits Spice, Sporty Spice aka Sweet Bangs Spice, and Scary Spice aka Black Spice (some clever reference to Eddie Murphy’s illegitimate kid wouldn’t fit on the picture).

So, who would you F*ck, who would you Marry, and who would you Kill?

Personally, I am going to cheat and kill all three. Maybe I’d F posh first, just to see her fake boobs not bounce around (nom nom nom), then I’d kill her. I hate the Spice Girls with an intense passion.

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Real Life Mario Picture

Sooo Bpbc fanatic, Kater, sent this gem in earlier today. Didn’t see that coming (twss). Anyway, glad to see so many of you hard at working contributing to corporate America.

Here is a picture of what Mario would look like in real life.

Pretty freaking creepy if you ask me.

Source: Wired / Pixeloo

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My Tattoo Experience

So I went to finally get my tattoo yesterday afternoon after 2 or 3 reschedules and 2 weeks of waiting. I’ll be the first to admit that I was a bit nervous as I had no idea what kind of pain to expect. Not to mention, needles and myself have never had a good history.

As soon as I get there, they sat me down and put a stencil of the drawing on my arm so I can see what it would look like - I was impressed. SO impressed, in fact, that I was ready to just pay for the stencil and call it a day. No needles required.

Now everyone I have talked to about getting a tattoo told me “Ohhhh, it’s not that it hurts per say, but it’s more of an awkward feeling”. Well they are all liars. The first 5 minutes hurt like a sonofabitch, but after that it wasn’t so bad….that is until my body turned on me….

About 10 minutes in, my whole body started to sweat like I was having a terrible hangover. I got a nauseas, light headed and a little dizzy. It was a weird feeling that came on in like 10-20 seconds. The fact that Metallica was blaring in the background didn’t help much either.

The tattoo artist looked up at me immediately ran to get an ice pack, 3 cups of sugar water and a twix bar. Apparently, some people (read little bitches) react that way their first time. I just wish that held true with some of my past sexual mishaps. Truth is, I didn’t eat too much that day and needed some sugar in the ol’ bloodstream.

So anyway, after my little breakdown, I got back up and finished the job like a man. I am very happy with the way it turned out. Check it.

It’s a musical note with a little badassery added to it and it’s on my left shoulder.

Not to get toooo gay (or personal), but music has been a big part of my life, especially during the teenage years. I also love the fact that when I hear certain songs, a memory (good and bad) pops into my head of something I experienced.

Props for my baker, Keith for drawing it up and Aaron for doing the ink work.

Now where is the next one going???

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Happy Steak and BJ Day

Well fellas, it’s the best holiday of the year - Steak and BJ Day. Women have their gay ass valentine’s day and we have today. So make sure you milk it for all it’s worth.

For all you single kids like myself, go out tonight and convince some drunk girl that it’s her civic duty to participate in today’s holiday - minus the steak.

Yeah, I’m classy like that.

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I Hate Sales and It Hates Me Back.

Long involved story really really short: Work has been kicking the shit out of me, and despite my protests, hissyfits and other professional tools at my disposal, my job now involves Sales for the forseeable future. This does not make me a happy monkey, as I am quite possibly the shittiest sales person to walk the planet.

So, I’ve spent the majority of my days on the phone, and I can’t help myself from fucking with people. It’s amazing I still have a job.

Here’s how some of the conversations went.

“Me: Hi Tom this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tom: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Tom, it’s Clare again. You might want to get your phone checked out, it randomly disconnected and I thought you should know before someone accuses you of being unprofessional and hanging up on them!”

“Me: Hi Michael this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Michael: I don’t have time for this shit right now.
Me: I understand that. Is there a time later today that you would have time for my shit? I really have all day. ”

“Me: Hi Tony this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tony: I’m not interested.
Me: In what?
Tony: Whatever you’re selling.
Me: How do you know?
Tony: How do I know what?
Me: If you’re not interested in what I have to say when you haven’t given me the opportunity to say anything? Do you know the lottery numbers, too? ”

“Me: Hi Greg this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Greg: Bitch <Click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Greg. I just wanted to let you know what the proper ettiquite of getting someone off of the phone entails. Usually, it involves calling someone a derogatory name and then saying “Goodbye”, because that’s the polite thing to do. For example: You’re a self important asshole. Have a great day! <click>”

“Me: Hi Pablo this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Pablo: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Pablo, it looks like we got disconnected…
Pablo: No we didn’t. That was intentional. What the hell do you want?
Me: Oh, well then let me rephrase. Hi Pablo, it looks like you are incredibly rude and I am giving you a chance to redeem yoursel…
Pablo: <Click>”
“Me: Hi Sanjeev this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea how busy I am?
Me: No, sir I cant say that I do is there a better time I ca…
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea who I am?
Me: I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to.
Sanjeev: Do you know how many traders I am working with at the moment?!
Me: If I guess correctly do I get to keep them?
Sanjeev: <click>”

“Me: Hi Jordan this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Jordan: Not interested <click>
Me: <Calls back> Hi Jordan, I know that we got disconnected because I know a man of your cailber would never hang up on a sweet, 25 year old girl because that would just be rude.
Jordan: I…uh…
Me: Yea I get that a lot.”

“Me: Hi Dale this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Dale: You have 30 seconds of my time.
Me: Aren’t you going to count down or something?
Dale: What?
Me: Does this count for my 30 seconds, or are you going to count to three so I know when to start timing?
Dale: Are you fucking serious.
Me: Yes, I am.
Dale: I don’t have time for this.
Me: I understand that, you’re the one who wanted to play the lets time the girl on the phone game. Now if you had just been nice in the first place, this call would’ve taken half the time. Which is a completely inefficient use of your time considering that you really didn’t have to be so abrasive so you consciously chose to do something that would eat at your oh so precious time. So. As I see it, I have 30 seconds starting…now. Like I was saying…
Dale: Have you considered a career in trading? You’re kind of ruthless.”

“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Ron: Im busy, fuck yourself.
Me: Listen, mister. I am having kind of a day and believe you me if fucking myself was an option Id not be sitting here talking to you.
Ron: What?!
Me: I haven’t gotten any in a very long time and I don’t get paid enough to be told to fuck myself by someone like you so you are going to sit there and listen to every god damn word I have to say, do you understand?
Ron: Yes ma’am.”
“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Paul: Just email me the information, I don’t have time to talk to you.
Me: Great, that’s exactly what I was shooting for.
Paul:…..
Me: Truthfully, I’m a shitty sales person, I’m only doing it temporarily and I hate it. I just needed to tick someone off the list so it looks like I’ve actually done something productive. So you’ve totally made my day. Can I get your email?
Paul: After that, you can have as much of my time as you want.”

“Earl: WHAT?
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: <exasperated> What?!
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: I heard you, what?! <obviously wants to know what I want>
Me: HI THIS IS CLARE cal..
Earl: What?!
Me: <louder> HI THIS IS CLARE CAL…
Earl: <click>”

So, I still hate sales, but I have managed to keep myself pretty entertained for the time being.

We should start a BPBC betting pool: How long until Clare is escorted out of the building.

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Mexican Midget Video

Has anyone seen this yet? I saw it a few days ago and it has given me nightmares every night since. You have been warned…

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Caption This - Ugly Sweater Picture!

This “Caption This” shot comes from an ugly sweater party I had at my house a few months ago. If you want to check out some of the other Caption This entries click here: nom nom nom.

Leave some captions in the comments. Please.

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