Well fellas, it’s the best holiday of the year - Steak and BJ Day. Women have their gay ass valentine’s day and we have today. So make sure you milk it for all it’s worth.
For all you single kids like myself, go out tonight and convince some drunk girl that it’s her civic duty to participate in today’s holiday - minus the steak.
Yeah, I’m classy like that.
Long involved story really really short: Work has been kicking the shit out of me, and despite my protests, hissyfits and other professional tools at my disposal, my job now involves Sales for the forseeable future. This does not make me a happy monkey, as I am quite possibly the shittiest sales person to walk the planet.
So, I’ve spent the majority of my days on the phone, and I can’t help myself from fucking with people. It’s amazing I still have a job.
Here’s how some of the conversations went.
“Me: Hi Tom this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tom: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Tom, it’s Clare again. You might want to get your phone checked out, it randomly disconnected and I thought you should know before someone accuses you of being unprofessional and hanging up on them!”
“Me: Hi Michael this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Michael: I don’t have time for this shit right now.
Me: I understand that. Is there a time later today that you would have time for my shit? I really have all day. ”
“Me: Hi Tony this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tony: I’m not interested.
Me: In what?
Tony: Whatever you’re selling.
Me: How do you know?
Tony: How do I know what?
Me: If you’re not interested in what I have to say when you haven’t given me the opportunity to say anything? Do you know the lottery numbers, too? ”
“Me: Hi Greg this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Greg: Bitch <Click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Greg. I just wanted to let you know what the proper ettiquite of getting someone off of the phone entails. Usually, it involves calling someone a derogatory name and then saying “Goodbye”, because that’s the polite thing to do. For example: You’re a self important asshole. Have a great day! <click>”
“Me: Hi Pablo this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Pablo: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Pablo, it looks like we got disconnected…
Pablo: No we didn’t. That was intentional. What the hell do you want?
Me: Oh, well then let me rephrase. Hi Pablo, it looks like you are incredibly rude and I am giving you a chance to redeem yoursel…
Pablo: <Click>”
“Me: Hi Sanjeev this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea how busy I am?
Me: No, sir I cant say that I do is there a better time I ca…
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea who I am?
Me: I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to.
Sanjeev: Do you know how many traders I am working with at the moment?!
Me: If I guess correctly do I get to keep them?
Sanjeev: <click>”
“Me: Hi Jordan this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Jordan: Not interested <click>
Me: <Calls back> Hi Jordan, I know that we got disconnected because I know a man of your cailber would never hang up on a sweet, 25 year old girl because that would just be rude.
Jordan: I…uh…
Me: Yea I get that a lot.”
“Me: Hi Dale this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Dale: You have 30 seconds of my time.
Me: Aren’t you going to count down or something?
Dale: What?
Me: Does this count for my 30 seconds, or are you going to count to three so I know when to start timing?
Dale: Are you fucking serious.
Me: Yes, I am.
Dale: I don’t have time for this.
Me: I understand that, you’re the one who wanted to play the lets time the girl on the phone game. Now if you had just been nice in the first place, this call would’ve taken half the time. Which is a completely inefficient use of your time considering that you really didn’t have to be so abrasive so you consciously chose to do something that would eat at your oh so precious time. So. As I see it, I have 30 seconds starting…now. Like I was saying…
Dale: Have you considered a career in trading? You’re kind of ruthless.”
“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Ron: Im busy, fuck yourself.
Me: Listen, mister. I am having kind of a day and believe you me if fucking myself was an option Id not be sitting here talking to you.
Ron: What?!
Me: I haven’t gotten any in a very long time and I don’t get paid enough to be told to fuck myself by someone like you so you are going to sit there and listen to every god damn word I have to say, do you understand?
Ron: Yes ma’am.”
“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Paul: Just email me the information, I don’t have time to talk to you.
Me: Great, that’s exactly what I was shooting for.
Paul:…..
Me: Truthfully, I’m a shitty sales person, I’m only doing it temporarily and I hate it. I just needed to tick someone off the list so it looks like I’ve actually done something productive. So you’ve totally made my day. Can I get your email?
Paul: After that, you can have as much of my time as you want.”
“Earl: WHAT?
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: <exasperated> What?!
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: I heard you, what?! <obviously wants to know what I want>
Me: HI THIS IS CLARE cal..
Earl: What?!
Me: <louder> HI THIS IS CLARE CAL…
Earl: <click>”
So, I still hate sales, but I have managed to keep myself pretty entertained for the time being.
We should start a BPBC betting pool: How long until Clare is escorted out of the building.
Has anyone seen this yet? I saw it a few days ago and it has given me nightmares every night since. You have been warned…
This “Caption This” shot comes from an ugly sweater party I had at my house a few months ago. If you want to check out some of the other Caption This entries click here: nom nom nom.
Leave some captions in the comments. Please.
No idea where these came from or how old they are, but damn. These ladies are doing some work on these lollipops. I think Pic 5 might be my favorite. Look at mommy go to town. Nom nom nom.
#3 aint bad either. Found on Preston and Steve
So apparently Ashton Kutcher is producing this new TV show where celebrities make up rumors about themselves in order to “punk” the paparazzi. The pappos see celebs out and about being ridiculous or whatever and report back to gossip headquarters. Once the story hits the net and tabloids, it is revealed that it was all hoax and VOILA! The jokes on them. HILARIOUS, no?
I like the idea of discrediting the paparazzi by feeding them fake news, but I mean comeon…Do you really think they care if the news is legit or not? It’s all about having the hot story, whether it’s true or not it’s another thing. I think it’s pathetic how much attention celebrities already get and this show is only going to feed the fire. Look, I already spent the last 5 minutes of my time writing this blurb about celebrities when I could have been doing something more productive likeeee…well let’s be real - I would probably have been sitting in front of my TV watching Family Guy reruns, but you get my point.
Anyway, this show will most likely be a hit because people are dumb and watch almost anything.
We live in a sad world.
I hate driving during the day. When I go into work at 3:30am there is virtually no one on the road. I hit 90mph (cuz im a badass) on the turnpike and the trip takes about 13 minutes. Now, the trip home at 3:00pm takes me nearly 40 minutes and it’s the same distance. The reason? People are F-ing idiots…Which leads me to a quick rant of some things I cannot stand about daytime driving:
Ugh, I could keep going but I am sounding really bitter right now. I needed to get that out. Anyone else feeling my pain?
