Revenge is better than sex

I saved the emo for my blog (if you’re really that interested, go there).

But I was feeling all sorts of fucked up about a few past relationships.

And It’s almost 2 AM. And nothing pisses me off more than having my sleep schedule fucked up.

Instead of discussing how he ripped my heart out and stomped on it leaving me to be a frigid, unfeeling bitch for the rest of my time on this god forsaken planet, I decided to write something that everyone universally enjoys.

Revenge.

I have complied a list of things that I would love to (but will never) do to my exes.

1. Pick axe to the hood of that precious German car.

2. Tell the people he’s currently dating that he’s got some horrible STD.

3. Convince his parents that the breakup was not because of distance, but really because he’s a homosexual. (Fine. I might have done this.)

4. Steal all of his socks. (Its actually pretty annoying.)

5. Have his car towed from his apartment complex.

6. Have his car towed from his school.

7. Have his car towed from his work.

8. Give his favorite Gators shirt to my current boyfriend who is better in bed than he is.

9. Rip the head off of his favorite stuffed bear and stuff it in his mailbox.

10. Sign him up for the army mailing list. (Bonus for a free t-shirt).

11.Mention that he’s such a great guy and it really is a pity about that impotence thing. Bonus points if it’s at a sorority house.

12. Put him on the no touchie list. (Meaning: No girl you’ve ever talked to is allowed within 30 feet).

13. Anything involving a rusty spork and an eyesocket. (Thanks Travis).

14. Place a personal ad. “Gay male, submissive, likes spanking, looking for big black man to call Daddy”.

15. Mail copy of personal ad to his pastor.

16. And grandparents.

17. Replace his clothing with similar items in a few sizes smaller. Comment on his looking “healthy”.

18. Take the cable box. Once the horror of not having cable subsides, there’s still joy in the fact that those things are ungodly expensive.

There was going to be more. But as it stands , I’m absolutely petrified of mice, and I just heard one. So I am going to call my friend to come pick me up off of the chair I refuse to get off of and carry me somewhere safe.

Please, add to the list. I’m running out of ideas.

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