I saved the emo for my blog (if you’re really that interested, go there).
But I was feeling all sorts of fucked up about a few past relationships.
And It’s almost 2 AM. And nothing pisses me off more than having my sleep schedule fucked up.
Instead of discussing how he ripped my heart out and stomped on it leaving me to be a frigid, unfeeling bitch for the rest of my time on this god forsaken planet, I decided to write something that everyone universally enjoys.
Revenge.
I have complied a list of things that I would love to (but will never) do to my exes.
1. Pick axe to the hood of that precious German car.
2. Tell the people he’s currently dating that he’s got some horrible STD.
3. Convince his parents that the breakup was not because of distance, but really because he’s a homosexual. (Fine. I might have done this.)
4. Steal all of his socks. (Its actually pretty annoying.)
5. Have his car towed from his apartment complex.
6. Have his car towed from his school.
7. Have his car towed from his work.
8. Give his favorite Gators shirt to my current boyfriend who is better in bed than he is.
9. Rip the head off of his favorite stuffed bear and stuff it in his mailbox.
10. Sign him up for the army mailing list. (Bonus for a free t-shirt).
11.Mention that he’s such a great guy and it really is a pity about that impotence thing. Bonus points if it’s at a sorority house.
12. Put him on the no touchie list. (Meaning: No girl you’ve ever talked to is allowed within 30 feet).
13. Anything involving a rusty spork and an eyesocket. (Thanks Travis).
14. Place a personal ad. “Gay male, submissive, likes spanking, looking for big black man to call Daddy”.
15. Mail copy of personal ad to his pastor.
16. And grandparents.
17. Replace his clothing with similar items in a few sizes smaller. Comment on his looking “healthy”.
18. Take the cable box. Once the horror of not having cable subsides, there’s still joy in the fact that those things are ungodly expensive.
There was going to be more. But as it stands , I’m absolutely petrified of mice, and I just heard one. So I am going to call my friend to come pick me up off of the chair I refuse to get off of and carry me somewhere safe.
Please, add to the list. I’m running out of ideas.
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If you really want to get back at him I would suggest (as I am sure many before me have), that you post nude photos of yourself on your blog. That’ll teach him.
agreed. I have those pictures if you want to see them…
Show those pictures and die horribly.
And I have that video of you, big boy.
And a wayyy bigger internet following.
Now Dan, you see why I told you I’d send you pictures of either me or someone else. Mine are magnificent, but hey I’m no tease, and you’ve shown your true colors. We should hack into your archives and delete those pics. It’d serve you right.
You don’t think your first mistake is dating guys who have a ‘favorite stuffed bear’?
He had it since he was a small child.
I have a stuffed lion that I had since I was little.
Well if you’re going to put stuff in his mailbox, don’t replies to the personals ad make sense? I’ll help you write some. At least a couple should subtly allude to being in the FBI and being able to find anyone, anywhere.
Forgot to say - re: # 14. Pastor, not priest? Right? That would be going a tad too far.
Sorry, love all you Catholics, but you gotta admit…
i like number 18. how annoying and inconveinent would that be?
Rub poison ivy in his boxer briefs. Place them back in his drawer.
Rub poison ivy in his boxer briefs. Place them back in his drawer. (this carries a double-effectiveness if the main reason he is a douchebag is because he’s been cheating on you)
With an ugly girl, nonetheless.
Oh Clare, you poor dear. I wish him ever uglier girls for the rest of his life. He should have to sleep with every single student in a women’s studies class who’s never had a date in her life. And, with the lights on…
Hey! I was a womens studies minor!
(By complete accident. Dont ever major in psych AND soc, the classes overlap and they send the lesbians after you.)
Meh. Id be ok if i wasnt in love with the dumb shit.
But he got his.
Hey! I actually admit to reading Camille Paglia. Sometimes in mixed company! It wasn’t even an assignment! And I’m not even a lesbian!
(Did that just fly over most of the other gender’s heads? Yeah, probably. Dumbshits don’t even know what erudition means.)
No offense, Clare, but you know full well that the unspoken prerequisite for majoring in that is being ugly. C’mon, you sat in those classes. You have eyes. So I wonder why they let you in.
Aww thanks sugar.
Another prereq was being angry for no reason.
One time me and one of my female friends were drunk. Well, I was drunk, she skipped class because she was hungover.
The prof (Who was quite the beast) asked where she was.
I told her that we broke up. She pretty well left me the hell alone after that.
Yeah. Know what you mean.
Reminds me, one time I was forced by my boss to attend this sexual harrassment law seminar. So some chick stands up and asks the attorney a hostile envirnoment question:
What to do about getting subtle signals that people thought she was a lesbian and therefore didn’t like her.
(She had a mullet cut - a really bad one - and 40 or so pierced earrings in her ears, and she was wearing farmer overalls and a tight T over Schwartzenegger biceps.)
Paglia went right over my head (looked her up though). I do, however, know what erudition means. 1 out 2 isn’t bad, right?
What do you mean you looked her up? I don’t think you really did. She usually wears pants suits… and getting a peek at ankles just doesn’t have the allure it did in your great-grandfather’s day.
I had an erudition once that lasted for like 6 hours.
Didn’t you read the package directions? You’re supposed to seek medical assitance for that. Stick to Viagra, it usually doesn’t last that long.
My wife’s a nurse.
Trust me, I was seeking medical attention!
Dan should thank me.
The lesbians will come a runnin now!
I always find it kind of hard to tell that they’re lesbians when they’re running. Well, depends on how fast, I guess..