(my actual house in Levittown, PA)
I have been living in my house for the past 3 weeks and I am quickly learning that there are many perks that have long been forgotten since college. I figured I would share some of them with you all and maybe those who are teetering on moving out will make the jump!
- Nakedness - I can walk around my house naked whenever I want. I only have to be careful with I walk in front of the window, but in reality those housewives across the street would love to catch a glimpse. At least that’s what I tell myself.
- Sex - Ahh probably the biggest perk of having your own place. I get to have sex anywhere I want. On the kitchen table, on the couch, in the attic, out in the shed and of course, the bed. The sky’s the limit.
(Now go back and re-read this section but replace the phrase “have sex” with “masturbate”. Sounds about right.)
- TV - Nothing is worse than coming home after a grueling day at work only to find your mom in tears, watching Oprah. Long gone are the days of the Hallmark Channel and Columbo reruns. Now I can watch (and record) whatever the hell I want and I don’t have to worry about people asking things like, “Who the F recorded High School Musical 2, the sing-a-long version?” (IT WAS ME OK!)
- Pooping With The Door Open - It’s incredible. No, it’s life changing. I can drop a bomb without having to shut the door OR turn on the exhaust fan. No one is going to “accidentally walk in” anymore and I won’t have to constantly hear “Jesus, what died in there Dan?”
It’s the little things in life that make me smile.
- On Demand Porno - Let’s face it. Late night Cinemax was all the rage back in high school. Watching those “pornstars” get half naked and girate together with no actual “sex” going on…incredible. It was up to you to put it all together.
Anyway, my dad had the black box that descrambled all of the channels so we had total access to everything. Now, I can easily watch those softcore classics “On Demand” and leave them in my saved programs folder without the worry of someone finding them. Christ, I probably have 6 in there right now…
So there you have just a few of the perks I have encountered so far and I am sure there will be more to come. Of course, there is also a bunch of pain-in-the-assery that goes along with having my own place that I will save for another time.
Peace y’all.
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Christ, I move out of ltown and suddenly palm trees are growing. What is this world coming to? I feel you on every one of those things, except that since I don’t live alone I can only poop with the door open when the gf isn’t there and I have to delete my skinemax when I’m done “watching.” Close enough.
Note to self regarding #2 - sex: If for some reason I am ever in Dan’s house do not sit down nor set food or beer on any surface.
What about butterstuff!? How’d butterstuff not make the list??