I know, the usual onslaught of initials that regularly guarantee goodness isn’t in the title, but some things are better left to stand on their own. Like alcohol. And the superpowers that it makes people think they have, but not really. So enjoy.
Invisibility
The best drunk is one that denies anything and everything.
“I’m not drunk, I’m fine.”
“No, I didn’t spill that drink.”
“No, YOU got that hooker pregnant.”
And so on. The best part is when you see someone who is clearly drunk fall down at the bar. The situation has to be right though. If he’s on the fringe of his group, or walking in front of a large window outside, the requirements have been achieved to do the impossible. You saw it. His friends saw it. Hell, everyone else in the bar saw it, but it would be mean to point and laugh - especially if it’s still early in the night. So you decide to not acknowledge it.
The Drunk meanwhile slowly and cautiously picks himself off the ground, his eyes darting around the room, and when he feels secure enough that no one saw him - resumes his previous action…which happens to be doing shots by himself in the corner. But this Drunk has just achieved the incredible for a few seconds. Invisibility! Sure, he might have noticed the people around him holding back their laughter if he was sober, but that’s clearly not the case here. His catlike reflexes have allowed him to recorrect his situation before anyone around him saw! He only tripped on that loose floorboard anyway. He’s not drunk, he’s fine!
Invincibility
This superpower doesn’t require certain situations or events to happen. This is just a proven fact. Drunks don’t get severely hurt. It’s true, I think I read it on Wikipedia! I myself have witnessed a successful jump out of a moving car, a bush dive into sticker bushes, and a 12 foot fall from a balcony onto concrete. Consequences - a total of many small scratches, bruises and one potentially broken bone in the hand - and this was all accomplished by one guy! Invincibility at its finest! It also doesn’t really help that in most DUI crashes, the drunk always walks away unhurt. The theories surrounding it is intoxicated drivers are more physically relaxed and have such slow reaction time they don’t brace and lock up their joints before impact which cause serious injuries. Invincibility while drunk has been witnessed, and accepted by scientists (or at least anyone wearing a white lab coat while watching a drunk do something stupid). But do you want to be the person to prove my theory wrong? At least have one sober-ish friend at all times. He’ll help you contain your…
Seductiveness
This is the most commonly abused superpower while drunk. It’s happened to the best of us, but it never gets easier to live down. Somewhere in between drink number 3 and 28 we allow the power of seductiveness to come out. Every woman in the bar can’t keep her eyes off of you…your existence is driving them completely mad. And horny. A lot of the times that isn’t the case at all. A lot of the times all the women in the bar are staring at you because you just decided it was a good idea to dance to “Footloose” again. But it’s hard to convince a drunk that’s not the case. He’ll hit on friends, yell out things to random women, and try to land himself a “cougar.” It’s not the prettiest sight for an outsider, but it happens. The best thing a good friend can do is distract the drunk. “Let’s go to Wendy’s” usually works, but if it doesn’t, just sit them next to a girl that looks like the downer of the group - so at least you can kill two birds with one stone. It’s Darwin’s Law at that point, and the weaker of the species gets screwed.
Warning:
Now you must remember, these “superpowers” that occur while drinking are to be handled with extensive care. You never know when someone without these powers (sober) can get hurt because of them. It’s usually best to surround yourself with people that also possess said powers so you can be comforted to waking up the next morning without any guilt. Think of it as a kind of warped “Justice League.” You may use your superpowers against each other, but you know it’s not going to effectively hurt them. Plus, it would make for a hell of a party. That way, the next morning you won’t have blood on your hands, but you definitely will wake up with a hangover…and bruises…but hopefully not a fat chick.
Oh snap!
Check Out:
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Dunno about invincibility. I was drunk, fell, smashed my face on a curb and needed 5 g’s worth of dental work. Ever see that scene in American History X where the black dude gets curb stomped? It was kinda like that, only I just tripped.
I find that my superpower is dancing when im shithoused. Of course I have to be with the right people and be really drunk. On those special occasions im like fucking superman
you forgot a good excuse ….”i’m fine, i’m a great drunk driver” haha
Geez Sly, I have a feeling you probably cut back on your drinking following that…
Dan, I believe that my superpower is dancing when I’m drunk, but I’ve also been told by many, many, people that it is not the case.
And Joobs, I’ve actually (and still to this day believe it) drove my roommate’s car around my college campus because I “drank myself sober.” It is possible, and it does suck ass.
You drink hard for a couple of hours, stop for a couple of hours, then try to start drinking heavily again later. The alcohol won’t affect you. The only way to get through it is the varied use of beer bongs and/or shots. The end result either way is BAD.
Yea, losing some teeth while drunk will make you think twice about stealing shots off the bar. That, and I could drink any liquid at all for 2 days, and couldn’t eat solid food for 1.5 weeks.