Hi there.
I’m Clare.
You will not see my boobs.
What the hell am I talking about, give me enough tequila and you’ll totally see my boobs. I just had no way to start this post, because I’m generally bad at introducing myself, mostly because my reputation precedes me. I am responsible for the 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex (The article, not the mistakes themselves). My writing has been featured in FHM, thatsjustnotright.com, intelligenthumor.com, and at disgruntledworkforce.com. Among others.
If you go to Netscape.com, you can see a picture of my bright smiling face on the front page.
So what the hell am I doing here?
I have no idea. It looked like you needed a new token female, you know, besides Dan. I’m all for doing my friends favors. And charging them dirty pictures for them. I’m not a fan of the term “Token female” because I don’t like the implication that is attached to it. The women who come here can speak for themselves and certainly don’t need a “token anything” to do it. But I digress.
So, let’s get this show on the road.
Things You Shouldn’t Expect From Me:
1. Regular posts. I can’t even claim to be busy. I just go through phases. But if you ask, I will totally lie and claim that my personal life is insane.
2. Tact. I’m not sure what happened to me but I lost the ability to shut my mouth (ESPECIALLY when I should) sometime around college. I won’t apologize for this, as I only apologize when I am genuinely sorry, which happens about as often as Britney Spears wears underpants.
3. Feminazi bullshit. I shave my legs. Not always regularly, but I do. I work in a male dominated field. I love boys. I don’t need a parade because I have ovaries. However, when I do have PMS, chances are I will post here and offend 98% of the audience. (Refer to item #2.)
4. I will not post about sex like I invented it. I am comfortable enough with myself to not post the more sensitive details of my life. Chances are the only time I will use the word “dildo” is when I’m talking about my ex boyfriend. And only because that’s what I call him.
Things You Should Expect From Me:
1. At some point, I will tell someone to fuck themselves. They will probably deserve it. But, this is Dan’s playground, thus I will eventually suck it up and try to behave. He’s only given me a few guidelines, which speaks volumes about the trust he’s placing in me. The other sites I write for handed me 15 or so pages of things I can’t say and do. (It never really stopped me but you have to give them props for trying).
2. Although I have a cooter, I tend to get along with men better than women. That being said, I am not angry really. I tried that angry, alterna chick thing. It made me look washed out and I felt like a tool. (It also spawned many a conversation between me and my family about how no, I am not gay, I am just full of fury and rage). I am alpha female on more than one male dominated website, and I don’t understand being angry at other women just for being there. I was a women’s studies minor in college, I got my fill of crazy bitches there.
3. I make fun of everyone. Everyone. Sometimes I write shit even I don’t believe. It’s one of those sacrifices you make for your craft, or some such shit.
4. I swear. A lot. Spare me the lecture on how smart people can communicate without using profanity. I’ve turned it into an artform.
5. I will share entirely too much information. The more it grosses people out, the more likely I am to do it. I really am like a 10 year old boy in a 25 year old female’s body.
6. I will get drunk and post. It will be ridiculous. Try not to make fun of me too much.
Anyway, I think that about covers it. I just wanted to make a quick “hi, this is the type of bitch I am” post before I drink myself to sleep.
In short: There’s a new token female, bitches.
Dan gave you guidelines? I didn’t know such a thing existed here. Next you’ll be telling me he has standards.
He’s got standards.
Don’t worry. They’re just as low as you’d expect.
If you say so. I’ve seen what his “standards” look like, and believe me,it’s not pretty.
Did you just call me ugly?
I HATE YOU. THAT ONE GIRL WAS RIGHT YOU WERE ALL MEAN!
Heh.
you hooked up with diddy?! I was only referring to the girls I’ve seen him leave the bar with. It’s not so much that I’m mean, I’m just kind of an asshole.
If by “hooked up” you mean used for sex.
Clare, I don’t think you are swearing enough.
You just fucking wait.
Greetings, and other words that begin with “G”.
awesome…i’m happy you’ll be contributing to the site…does this mean that the original “token female” has bowed out?
Anyway…I look forward to sporadic, offensive, drunken posts from you!
Shes probably off letting guys pound her in the ass for another bong hit.
well I already like you better than the whiny one. and you’re cuter too!
~allycat
Hmmm, there’s got to be a bong around here somewhere…
“Shes probably off letting guys pound her in the ass for another bong hit.”
Awesome. I’m looking forward to reading more of your stuff!
Oh shit, Clare…..there goes my heart monitor………………….
Calm down, pops.
I’ve got something in the works for you.