Good Day, World! Today, I am pleased to bring to you the first of many personal life-lessons that I have picked up along the way. These lessons have sculpted me into the portly, drunk that you see in my sweet picture and will surely be as beneficial to you as they have been to me. So please, take these tips and cherish them.
Today’s tips are for thriving in the corporate world
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Don’t Wear Flashy, Easily Identifiable Shoes.
This is extremely important for those people who (like myself) shit way too often at work. In order to maintain anonymity in the pooper, you must wear plain brown or black shoes that won’t give yourself away. If you decide to “be fashionable” and wear white shoes or penny-loafer’s with actual pennies in them, you’re quickly going to earn the reputation of “that guy” who is “shitting all the time”. Plus, if your shits are loud and awkward (mine sound like a trumpet that’s never had its spit valve emptied), you definitely don’t want fellow coworkers knowing that came from you. So keep your shoes plain and never draw other’s attention to them. Or else suggest bathroom stall door extenders at the next company meeting. Or just shit with your legs straight and parallel to the floor. Whichever works.
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Don’t Try To Relate To The Black Mail Room Guy
Now, I’m not saying don’t talk to or be nice to the mail-room guy. I’m only saying that trying to relate to him will only result in embarrassment and awkwardness. I mean, yes he works in the office, but he isn’t “part of the office” if you get what I’m saying. For starters, he doesn’t even attempt to adhere to the dress code, which is just bad news. Second, he probably only works there so he can hit on all of the fine ass around the office. And if this is the case, he really doesn’t want you “interrupting his flow” with questions about how to Fed-Ex a package to Chicago. So be polite and courteous to him, but don’t discuss woman or hip-hop with him. Because even if you think you know hip-hop, he definitely knows more about it. And you can never argue with him if you disagree with what he says. They have like squatter’s rights or something…
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Avoid The Cleavage
Don’t even glimpse at it. I understand that its right there and they only wear outfits like that to showcase them, but it is still out of bounds…especially if they are your boss. Your…hot, older, clearly sexually experienced boss. I know it’s tempting to get that mental snapshot of the cleavage (for those lonely nights by yourself) but the damage from getting caught is way too rough. It’s borderline catastrophic. If you are caught, she will forever think you are a perv and this will hurt you come your yearly reviews. So, for safety’s sake, only stare at the ass (I’m convinced my aforementioned boss doesn’t even wear panties) and only do so when you are behind her and no one else can see your eyes. Treasure those rare moments. Treasure them well.
Godspeed.
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It’s not fair to describe your boss’ cleavage and then mention that she doesn’t wear panties without including a picture. Bad form.
I agree sly. Bad form.
Also, with regards to the shoes…I always kept an extra pair under my desk so that I could change it up throughout the day…you know, keep ‘em guessing…
I prefer the parallel leg method you mentioned.
Just sayin’…
what does tugger recomend doing if your ‘Your…hot, older, clearly sexually experienced boss’ says, “let’s fuck”?
He calls his ‘…hot, older, clearly sexually experienced brother’ and says “yo man, what should I do?????”
And said brother suggests a boys night at the Hulme would be most effective in dealing with the hot sex hungry boss.
I wouldn’t have it any other way….